Please just dont...

I have been single for a while now (SHOCKER!) and there have been some really ridiculous comments made by those around me.  I'd like to think that the snide comments aren't meant to be low blows, but some of them it's hard to take any other way.  There are also the comments that make you go 'Duh!'.  A friend of mine came across this article, entitled The 9 Most Annoying Things to Say to a Single Person and so to you, the lovely people that read my blog, I'm begging you (on behalf of other singles worldwide) to please, stop saying these things to the single people in your life:

1. "Are you seeing someone? Why not?"
Ya know, that's the funny thing about being single...it means I'M SINGLE, as in one, solo, me, myself and I, so no actually I'm not seeing someone.  And why not?  Read my blog.  If I knew why I wasn't seeing someone, I wouldn't be single anymore.

2. "Have you tried online dating?"
Tried it?! That's like asking if you've tried a cell phone. It's the year 2011...Of course I have tried it...TWICE and failed miserably TWICE.  You are not coming up with some new and improved way to date, and until you do, you should probably not say this to a single person.

3. "It'll happen when you least expect it."
HA! This is one of my favorites.  Anyone who is single (and looking) knows that you're kind of always hoping love finds you.  Whether its the guy who says 'hi' in Starbucks or your next blind date..there is always a glimmer of hope, so you're basically always expecting it.  Furthermore, I read a book that I believed was fiction about a woman's online dating issues and how she 'stopped expecting love' on her 39th birthday...she was still alone at 40...and it ended up being non-fiction.  It literally scarred me for life...As much as I have 'given up hope'...I don't believe I'm supposed to be alone forever (the psychic told me so) and I will always be expecting to find the right guy.  So please don't tell me to not expect it, it's kind of offensive. 

4. "Oh my god, can I wing for you? I am such a good wingman."
I am leaving this one to the website...they hit it spot on: If you're single for long enough, you become sort of a toy, a pet project for your coupled up friends. They like to parade you out to bars and insist on winging for you, which is really just a way for them to vicariously experience the "thrill" of picking someone up at a bar. The problem is that for them, it's all about the hunt, and not at all about finding someone with whom you would actually be compatible in the long term (or even just in daylight). This means they start indiscriminately flirting with anyone in sight, ignoring the fact that you're wildly gesticulating for them to stop, drawing your finger across your throat and making gagging noises. The end result is usually a huffy ride home ("But I set it up perfectly for you! He was so into you! He was not that bad!") followed by the inevitable conclusion that you are single because you're picky and obviously impervious to even the most nuanced and skillful winging.

Just because you're in a relationship and felt the need to 'get out there' again...does not make me picky, or impossible...but it does make you a terrible wingwoman.

5. "You need to put yourself out there more!"
Where would you like me to put myself out there?  I've put myself all over the freaking internet, all over Central New York, all over NYC and all over NJ...where else would you like me to try?  Mexico? Canada?  YOU TELL ME WHERE I SHOULD PUT MYSELF!

6. "Why don't you join a group?"
Saying this means that you - A. don't think I have any hobbies, B. sit on my ass alone in my free time, or C. you think the kind of guy I want is in some co-ed baking group.  I was not in a sorority for this reason, and I don't plan on joining a 'group' at 25.

7. "You just need to ______."
Flirt. Make eye-contact. Go out. Tone it down. Talk less. Dress sluttier. Meet more people. Be less intimidating. Let them see how awesome you are. Make the move. Don't shy away. Don't be so forward. Don't seem so desperate. Be less picky. Change your profile picture. Stop talking to your ex. Stop looking so hard. Stop trying so hard. Put a little more effort into it. Lower your expectations. Just have fun and date more. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. 

People have actually said those things to me...it's funny how quickly people will tell you what's 'wrong' with you as long as it remains in the context of dating...

8. "It's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship."
No sh*t...really?!  Why would I be looking for the wrong relationship!? I could find one of those today. I'm looking for the right relationship...and that would be better than being single.

9. "Wow, I am so glad I never have to be single again."
Well congrats for you my friend.  But you better hope you didn't just jinx yourself...because you can always be single again.