Happy Halloween(ie)!

Happy Halloween!!  I had an awesome time in Chicago this past weekend and I hate to brag,  but our costume (the 3 blind mice) came out FANTASTIC! I’m waiting for pictures to be put up and then I will recap the trip and share them with you! 

But to hold you off, here are some of my favorite (preppy) Halloween pictures:







Pictures 2 & 3 are courtesy of Cinderbella and pictures 4 & 5 are courtesy of Preppy Princess

Sha La La La La La La La La La La Tee Da

Okay, so I've been talking to this guy on Match for what seems like an eternity..and I finally looked at his profile more carefully (normally I look at the pictures, THEN the profile...but in this case he 'winked', I looked at the pictures, 'winked' back and then we started sending messages...and I really just glanced at the profile).  Well what I found was very interesting and I think I can show it to you best in screen shots:

Here is the 'About Me' section of my profile (just for those of you who need a refresher):

Here is the 'About Him' and the 'About His Date' sections...along with the 'About My Date Section"

Okay, first of all he obviously wants to pass down his blue eyes to his children...which is fine, if I had blue eyes, I'm sure I'd want to keep them in the family as well...however since I have the unappreciated dark brown eyes...I don't know how he's going to look at me if we ever meet!  I'm also not blonde and I'm certainly not platinum...so I'm not sure who he thinks he's talking to.  He's also not sure if he wants kids (which completely debunks my theory about his preference for light colored eyes)...and I at least need my a Korean baby girl...so this is kind of non-negotiable.  And just for the record...Van Morrison liked 'Brown Eyed Girls', so there has to be SOMETHING appealing about dark eyes...I just have to figure out what it is....



So Sorry!

I'm so sorry for the lame post yesterday...I knew it wasn't good and put it up anyway. I was just in an uninspired mood.  However, after hearing from my college BFF Hol, I am super excited for this weekend!  She moved to Chicago in August and its the first time in 5 or so years, we haven't been in driving distance from each other...and believe me when I say I miss her.  I feel like everyone has a friend that you ALWAYS have fun with, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, you just always laugh (and/or drink) and for me that's Hol.  In the spirit of my trip to a new city, I decided to do some research on the best cities to meet single men (with the help of The Daily Beast and The Huffington Post, respectively). 

The Daily Beast List looks like this:

1. Atlanta
Whether it's the southern hospitality or the sub-tropical breezes, something about Atlanta is attracting all the right men. This is my next travel destination...seriously.  Lots of single men, southern gentleman, A TON of Lilly Pulitzer AND Nene Leaks...I am in! 

2. Boston
With over 50 institutions of higher learning in the Boston area, the city has always been an ideal destination for the young and upwardly mobile.  Yes, I know I am a Patriots fan, however, I don't say "Caa" in stead of "Car" and I don't want to listen to someone tell me they're not going "Faa" instead of "Far".
3. Seattle
Microsoft, Boeing, and other tech companies that have sprung up around Seattle draw thousands of smart, educated guys from all over the world. I'm not a hippy, I don't really like hiking (though I've done it once or twice to please a guy) and I sure as hell am not liberal...I just don't think this will work for me.
4. San Francisco
With those smarty-pants from Google and Facebook buzzing around on their scooters, intelligent guys with great careers are plentiful in San Francisco.  I don't really want to pain myself watching the 49er's play and again, I'm not liberal...but San Francisco looks really pretty!  I mean it was good enough for the Tanner's...Also, 40 Days and 40 Nights (and Serendipity) took place there so okay, maybe SF isn't SO bad
5. Minneapolis-St. Paul
The Land of 10,000 Lakes might safely be renamed the Land of 10,000 Dates.  I don't know much about Minneapolis-St.Paul except for that they're called the 'Twin Cities', but when I googled the cities to find out more, the first thing that came up was the 'Minneapolis-St.Paul Airport'.  I then googled 'Minneapolis' on it's own and the first match was the convention center website...If you have nothing to do except have business conferences, fly in and out and look at a lake, I'm not coming.

6. Washington, DC
A city that's all about networking unwinds at some of the best happy hours in the country, and unlike its hipper neighbor New York, people actually have time for a social life. I love DC, a lot of my family is in the neighborhood, so those are pluses.  However, I find DC/NOVA guys to be pretty full of themselves...which can be an obnoxious quality (Not you, P...don't send me hate mail).

7. Austin
An exuberant nightlife, year-round festivals, and thousands of U.T. undergrads make the state capital a haven for art and tech lovers alike. I could leave the art at the door and am not so into 'tech'...but I love the right to bear arms and the Bush's!  I also have a cowboy hat, matching boots and an embarrassing amount of plaid...

8. Miami
What it lacks in educated men (it ranked 24th in number of bachelors degrees) Miami makes up for in gyms and social life, coming in at #2 and #1, respectively. I am not in any shape to be competing with the Miami beauties for the single guys, that's for damn sure!  Maybe next year...haha.
9. San Diego
Like Miami's beach bunnies, San Diegans tend to have great tans, great hair, great bodies, and because of the city's high cost of living, lucrative jobs. San Diego, you can also keep your single men...
10. Denver
A growing arts district, top-notch microbreweries, and the nearby Rocky Mountains make the city scenic, fun, and appealing to outdoorsy singles. Now I'm not exactly 'outdoorsy'...but I like being outside and I love beer...but I feel like this has a lot of the same problems I had with Seattle, mixed in with skiing!  I love skiing, but I'm not very good...HHHMMM....maybe I can find a [single] instructor in Denver to teach me...

The Huffington Post listed the best places to meet single women:

1. Raleigh
Raleigh wins my top honors because it has a highly educated population (thank you, Research Triangle), a low divorce rate, fabulous social life, southern hospitality and some of the best BBQ you'll find anywhere. One of my college roommates was from Raleigh...she was wonderful and smart and funny and southern...But maybe now we know why she stayed in Central New York :-)
2. Washington
40,000 more women than men, plus a high level of education, a higher than average level of fitness, and all the social opportunities you can stand. Washington DC woman are insanely smart, at least the ones I know are...and notice this is the ONLY city that is on both lists...Quick! If you're single, everyone lets go!
3. New York
This town is the mother lode of single women -- in the NYC area, there are more than 180,000 more women than men. You won't find better odds, or restaurants, in the country. Plus, the divorce rate is low, and you'll never run out of things to do. Well it's too bad I'm not gay...because I'm living in one of the single women capitals of the world.
4. New Orleans
Do you know what it means to date in New Orleans? 40,000 more women than men, lots of nightlife, and all the crawfish, shrimp, and oysters you can eat.
5. Memphis
Great BBQ, fantastic music, and 25,000 more women than men.

And of course, last but not least....

6. Chicago
First, Chicago has 40,000 more women than men, so the odds are really working for you now. Aside from that, Chicago has social opportunities galore, deep dish pizza, the Cubs, and the best tapas restaurant I've ever eaten at. Dating heaven.

Well ladies and gentleman...Maybe I'll luck out and find myself a nice midwestern woman...oh wait, I did that already, Hol is from Ohio.

Divorcee

So I’ve been talking to a guy on Match that lists his status as divorced/currently separated.  I know for some people this could be a deal breaker, but at the moment it really doesn’t bother me.  We’ve only been talking for a little while, but he was very upfront about the whole thing and it makes perfect sense.  However, he’s a few years older than me and I started thinking that maybe he won’t want to be married again, because the last marriage didn’t end well. This is a problem.  I’ve been planning my wedding since I was 12, I want to get married in front of my friends and family and have that happy ending.  But this whole thing got me thinking about whether or not I would give up my idea of ‘happily ever after’ to be with someone I love.  I think the short answer is yes, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.  I want children (I know, I know, I say every other day that I don’t want kids, but I really do) and I don’t want a child out of wedlock…that must be the Catholic school girl in me. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m giving this guy a shot…my crazy thought process is no reason to alienate someone would could potentially be a good match (aside from the cat he currently owns…I have yet to ask how old the cat is…maybe it’s 27 and old and tired and…)

Isn't this a nice little piece of information from the CSC?

But I wonder if ‘never married’ really is criteria on someone’s ‘list’ and how many people don’t meet that requirement.  In 2003 50.6% of marriages ended in divorce, this number is believed to be declining, but I have yet to find the new statistic, so for the purposes of this non scientific blog (and my horrific math skills), I’m using 50%.  In 2010, there were 18,897,109 people in the tri state area, and if you figure that roughly half are divorced that leaves 9,448,554 single people in the New York Metropolitan area. When you take into consideration that NY has about 212,000 more women than men, it leaves you at about 4.5 million men.  Further, it’s been documented that 3.7% of the male population in the U.S. is over 6’3, which leaves me with about 166,500 people that live in my area and are tall enough for me to date.  Let me just remind you that I didn’t take into account college education, occupation and a few other factors that are on my list.  This is not a lot of people and considering my dating history, I’ve probably dated ½ of the 166k.  Just for arguments sake, I did the math the other way, leaving in divorced people ages 24-29 and figured out that 700k people would be left in my ‘dating pool’.  I’ll take it.  That’s basically a half of a million more people for me to date! 

This was really just an insanely long way for me to tell you this: The bottom line is that if I did this for every single item on my ‘list’…I bet I would be left with 5 people (if I was lucky). Maybe Patti Stanger is right and [laundry] lists when it comes to dating are a bad thing.  She preaches that everyone can only have 5 non-negotiable, so I’ve edited my list to this:

1.    Tall (over 6’2) – I know my original list said 6’1, but I’m shorting the list, so I’m raising the height standard.

2.    Educated – At least a college degree.

3.    Employed – I’m not one to bash someone’s job, remember I am a slave after all and I don’t want someone in a labor union or in any kind of construction.  There’s nothing wrong with it, just based on life experiences, I don’t want a plumber, welder, carpenter, etc.

4.    Family Oriented – I think if someone loves their family, it can be automatically assumed that they’re nice, caring, friendly, etc.

5.    Funny – If you’re not laughing, you’re crying…I need to laugh.

This list seems completely manageable to me! And who knows...Maybe this 6’3, divorcee fits the bill.

"Foto" Friday

First of all...my insanely "creative" title came from my best friend's mother...They have a last name that starts with "Pf" but it's basically like a German "F" and it's pronounced the same way. For the 4th of July she started having shirts made that said "Pf___ Pfamily Pfourth of July Pfestival" there might be a few other "F" words in there, but I don't remember...haha. 

Anyway, I've been up since 4:50am...Oh the joys of being enslaved!  I don't really feel like writing today, so I found some of my favorite quotes/pictures to share with you.


This one is courtesy of my favorite co-worker...I think she's trying to tell me something.

Isn't this the truth?

And just a few words of wisdom:

I have yet another wedding with the ex this weekend...This time I really will post pictures! Bible!  (Yes, I do on occasion steal lines from the Kardashian's and since I'm being forced to be one for Halloween, I think it's appropriate).

Another one bites the dust...

I got this email yesterday from a guy on Match:

Okay, let me help you out Mr.  First of all, I appreciate the compliment, so thank you!  Second of all, in your “looking for” section, you list 5’2-5’9, green eyes, blonde or red hair, a preference for the medical profession…none of which I can help you with…except MAYBE the red hair (and that’s only in certain lighting).  You also have cats.  Not only am I deathly allergic to cats, but I really, really, really don't like them.  In fact, I dislike them to the point that I felt the need to put “dislike: cats” in my actual profile.  You’re also 5’9.  Nothing against the short men of the world, but you’re not for me if you’re under 6’1, as I have a life that requires me to wear shoes on a daily basis.  You also have ‘some college’ listed under your education along with no occupation listed and whether you chose not to share your job online or you actually don’t have one to share, I’m lead to believe that you’re currently emailing me from the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protest downtown, which also makes you a hypocrite for having a cell phone with email capabilities (which I’m sure Apple or Google produced) while being ‘against big business’.  All of the above concludes to me that you’re also probably illiterate (and spoke your email into your phone), because if you read my profile, you wouldn’t have sent me an email in the first place.  So to answer your question, “How do I get a girl like you to talk to me?”….you don’t.

Okay, that may have been harsh, but I’m getting kind of sick of people wasting my time. 

Whew…it’s almost the weekend!

And Jessica Simpson is  pregnant!?!  Let's hope she makes a better mother then she does actress.  And if she's not pregnant, she should never, EVER, stand like this again:

The Mind of a Girl - Pt 3 (Final)

Okay!  We're almost done!  This is the last and final chapter of "The Mind of a Girl"....Enjoy!

PART III - Girl Goes on a Date

9:10pm

Enter the bar. I see (boy). It's our 1st "official" date. (Is he going to go in for the kiss? A little smoochy smooch? Maybe just a hug?) Peck on the cheek as he hugged me. Cute. [We met the standard way most mid 20-somethings meet.  Drunk and out at a bar.  I had gone home with him that night.  Not really sure if he invited me back there at the time, all I know is that I woke up in his bed the next morning. (He was a friend of a friend so it’s legit). He got my number before I left (I waited a few torturous days for contact, blah blah Facebook friend request, texts, etc.).]

So we sat down at our table and the server brings us menus. We exchange some witty (nervous) conversation.  (Are we ordering food, or just drinks?) (I'm famished, I could totally eat, like, a cheese-something appetizer) (Is he going to ask me if I want to get food? I do but I don't want to be the one to say it) (Do I want wine? Are we going to get a bottle of wine? Do I want a vodka drink? If I drink vodka now, I'm done.)

(Boy): So, should we get a bottle of wine? What kind of wine do you like?
Me: (I really like Pinot Grigio, but I feel likes it's the drink my dad would sneak-order for me when we would go out to family dinners before I was 21. But I always trip on the word "Sauvignon" so...) Umm.... Pinot Grigio?
(Boy): Okay, so let's do a bottle of Pinot Grigio and the cheese-something appetizer. Sound good?
Me: Yea, sounds great. (He ordered for us too, I like when guys order for me).

A girl walks up and says “Hi” to (boy). He knows her from college. (Ugh). (Is he going to introduce me?). (I need to stop staring her up and down). (Okay, I get it, you know him, leave girl). She leaves.

The wine comes. The server pours a little in a glass for me to try (as if I'm a professional wine taster.  What if I seriously was like, 'no no, it’s too dry, we must have this sent back immediately.' Said in an English accent of course.)

We "cheers" to our one inside joke.

9:30 pm

We play a rousing game of Jewish Geography (Where did you go to camp?) (When did you graduate?) (Do you know someone's friend someone from somewhere?) Our conversation then leads to work, our jobs, where we live, and how we feel about our respective neighborhoods. (This is the most typical and boring date conversations so feel free to spice it up in the beginning to keep our attention).

(Boy): Yeah, I work for this hedge fund blah blah finance blah stocks bonds (It’s seriously so hot when guys talk about financy things, but don’t drag it on.) (I wonder what he looks like in a suit) I tell him that my bffs used to work in investment banking, as that is my one and only tie to anything finance-related.

(Boy) brings up the fact that I do interior design and then says that he could use some pointers for his apartment, bedroom specifically. (As if I've never heard that one before.) (Does he really need pointers? Or does he just want me to come back to his place again?) (I barely remember what his apartment looks like because last time I saw it was when I awoke in a hungover haze).

10:00 pm

We are now on our 3^rd glass of wine, and an hour or so more of great conversation (filled with sexual innuendos and flirtations) goes by.

(Another Clueless movie quote enters my mind again. “Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite.”)

His body language was really speaking to me.  (I wanted to reply to it by saying “yes, keep charming me with your smooth words and bedroom eyes, and I will definitely be coming home with you tonight”, but instead I just drank a little more in hopes that the alcohol would just do the talking. He’s hot. I mean we’ve hooked up before, so is it assumed that I will go back with him again? Do I play coy and act like “that’s soo not typically me to go home with a guy right away, I was just really drunk that night”? Or, do I give into my impulse and go home with him?)

(Boy) got up to go to the bathroom. Without a moment of hesitation, I take out my phone and begin furiously responding to all of my BBMs.

“He’s cute!” (send)

“Going great” (send)

“<3” (send)

He’s coming back from the bathroom and I casually slip my phone back into my purse mid-BBM sentence.

(Boy) “So are you ready to get out of here?”

Me: (We’re leaving? Am I going back with you? Should I just go home? Are we going somewhere else? I’m drunk.) “Sure”

The tab comes. He grabs for it. I offer. He refuses. I thank him. (Next time maybe I’ll treat him)

11:30 pm

We head outside. He grabs me and we start making out, aggressively.

“I should go home.” (What? Why am I saying, “I want to go home?” That’s a lie.)

“Come on, just come back for a little.  We can have a drink at my apartment." (A drink? Just tell me that you want to have passionate sex with me.)

(I’m sooo tempted.  Everything in me wants to agree to go back with him.  I had fun with him, and we obv had sexual chemistry.  But I do like him, and if I go home now, and he contacts me in the future, that means he is genuinely interested in seeing me again.)

“I’m going to take this cab….thanks for the drinks, I had fun.” (Kiss goodbye)

I ended up spooning my phone that night and awoke in the middle of the night to find a red blinking light of a text message from (boy) that he’d sent about 10 minutes after I got home. “I had a lot of fun, too.  What’s your plan for the rest of the weekend?” (sigh of relief!!) (Now I have about 12.2 hours to craft up a witty response.)

Let’s Review:

The greeting and departure are the two most stressful parts of a date.  ESPECIALLY if you’ve already made out with him drunk (of course, I'm not speaking from expereince, but I would imagine that to be an awkward situation)…there is a lot of stress debating the hello kiss vs. the hello hug.  Also, when we are on a date and someone (a girl) approaches you…it sucks…weather it's a friend, an ex, or a stranger it doesn’t matter…it takes the attention off of us and whether people admit it or not, no matter how confident we are, we're sizing her up to make sure we're prettier/smarter/skinnier whichever adjective it may be. We are always texting in the bathroom or while you’re in the bathroom and yes, it’s always about how the date is going, whether or not we think we’re going home with the guy or if we think we’ll see them again. The only thing worse than saying hello and good bye, is figuring out how to respond to texts the next day and waiting for him to ask you out again (you can tell from 95% of this blog, this is the worst part for me). Mean while, we're dissecting every single detail of the night before with every single one of your friends and having all of them tell you that if he doesn’t ask you out again he sucks - if he does ask you out again, he’s the one and if you don’t hear from him there has to be a reason. 

Moral of the story?  Being a girl is exhausting, friends fuel the fire because we’re all equally insane and feed off of each other.  With sources like Cosmo telling us to be more aggressive and The Rules telling us to play hard to get…there’s A LOTthink about…Whew, I’m exhausted just thinking about my daily thought process.

Happy Hump Day!!

HAHAHA...

Thought this was funny and felt the need to share!

The Mind of a Girl - Pt 2

Here's part 2 of yesterdays entry (don't worry, it's only 3 parts!) This is pretty much how a girl prepares for a date...Read on, but keep in mind this is a judgement free zone.

PART II - Girl Gets Ready for a Date

6:00 pm

On my walk home from the gym, I began taking a mental inventory of my closet to try and figure out what I was going to wear in order to help expedite the getting-ready-process in any possible way. (Can’t wear that dress, was just tagged in a million pics wearing it)(Turquoise silk, not a chance, not tan enough) (Too fat for that outfit, dammit why’d I eat that roll with the salad, I feel bloated.) I immediately took a sharp right turn opposite the direction of my street practically stopping traffic and darted straight into Bloomingdale's. In an intense state of panic, I grabbed 3 different outfits (-$362) to give myself a few more options for once I got home. (All of which were returnable, none of which I would return because they were “soooo cute,” and ‘whatever, I just won’t spend money on food this week.’) I already felt better.

6:20pm

I rush to meet Svetlana at the spa for my routine Brazilian wax (-$45).  She said she was leaving at 6 but graciously made an exception for me since it was an emergency. The emergency was of course, the date.  (Let’s not beat around the (brazilianed) bush here, I had to at least plan to be ready for a situation that might occur later that evening.  I mean I wasn’t necessarily going into the night with any expectations (lie), but the alternative of having to bare it with out being prepared is, well, unbearable.

“You have big plans tonight?” asks Svetlana in her thick Russian accent that all girls can understand.

“Just a date with (boy) soo…yeah.”

“Oh, then we take off all”

(Who am I to question a professional?).

6:45pm

Pick up a bottle of wine (-$12) (for myself during my getting-ready pregame), and a redbull (-$5) (can’t feel sleepy from the wine), and finally head home.  Good thing I was able to squeeze in a mani at lunch (-$15) (So when your debating paying for that date, think about how much I spent up until this point. Girls do a lot to prep themselves for you.)

7:00pm

I have 2 hours.  This should be plenty of time.  I know we said “meet at 9”, but that really means “I’ll text you at 8:50 and tell you I need 20 more minutes.

7 pm-7:45 pm

Stalk Facebook pics of (boy) that I am going out with, drink wine, gossip with my roommate and realize our conversation sounds like a verbal version of mad libs (ex: if he TOUCHES your LEG during the date, and then you guys MAKEOUT, you should GRAB his BUTT and….)

7:45 pm

Sh*t. I have to shower.

I spend the entire shower debating on whether or not to blow dry or curl my hair. Some girls would die for their flat iron. I like to dress things up with a little curling iron action. It’s a soft and flirty addition after the blow out that gives the look a polished touch.  (Let’s be honest, its so damn hot out that if I attempt to straighten my hair it will just turn into frizzy-fro status by the end of the night.)

8:00 pm

Out of shower and check phone.

BBM from bff#3: “gooood lucckk! Lemme know how it goes”.  I can’t even reply.  Too frantic.

8:00-8:20 pm

Repetitive series of: Blow dry a section of hair/sip wine/stand in front of air conditioner.  Wine/AC/dry more sections of hair.  Wine/check phone. Redbull/AC. Okay, the hair is finally dry and ironed somewhere in between “ringlets” and “beachy-wave.” I feel like a spitting image of Megan Fox. (Are boys still obsessed with her?) 

8:20-8:35 pm

Makeup. Every time I do my make up for an important occasion (seeing a boy), I always think to myself, 'this will be the best makeup application I have ever done.' A little Kim Kardash smokey eye situation mixed with a sexy Scar-Jo pout. I take careful measures to make sure that each lash is curled to perfection and that the eye-liner goes on in one smooth line. A little gloss to the lips - but not too much (what if he kisses me, like, right when I first see him?) Of course in the end, my makeup looks the same every time I do it and pretty much ends up appearing as if I'm not even wearing any makeup to begin with. (Wait, does that mean he will think I am naturally pretty?)

8:35-8:50pm

Three potential outfits lay before me.  Flowy, flirty, color? Form-fitting, cleavage, black? Dress with a print? WWRZD? (What Would Rachel Zoe Do?) I decide upon the form-fitting cleavage black. I know black is kind of blah, but I felt the urge to show off my lovely lady lumps.

8:50pm

I text (boy) and tell him that I will be there in 20 minutes. He replies, "that's fine, take your time."

8:50-9:00 pm

I take my time and prepare a final drink while watching the last 10 minutes of whatever is on Bravo.

9:00 pm

Decide to take a cab even though it’s an 8 minute walk away.  (Will he be there yet? Should I text that I'm on my way? Will he be standing outside? If I don't see him outside, should I wait outside? What if I'm waiting outside, and he's already inside? What if I go inside and he’s not even there yet? Whatever, I'll just go inside.) Ugh, I have to turn off this Taxi TV, its giving me anxiety.

9:09pm

Sweet, I'm one minute early (9 minutes late). I need a drink immeds. (immediately).

Let’s Review:

Girls never have anything to wear on a date. Ever.  There is always shopping involved whether it’s a full on ensemble or just a clutch.  A get ready pre-game is KEY (only if you’re not driving...we’re responsible insane people, right?).  White wine and a SF Red Bull is actually my pregame of choice…so this girl and I might actually be soulmates. The decision between curly and straight is a tough one.  Patti Stanger will tell you that guys only like straight hair…but I’ve been told that those beach (sex) waves are the way to go.   No matter how much you drink during your pre-date pre-game…you always want (need) another one as soon as you arrive.  

Tomorrow we will tackle 'The Date'. May the force be with us.

The Mind of a Girl - Pt 1

I received an email from a friend with the subject “SOOOO funny” I obviously had to open it immediately!

This was originally written by ‘EJ’ describing the processes and interactions of a single female in NYC during a typical day and it was posted on Social Shark NYC with this disclaimer “although this is not how every girl thinks, it may help you understand what could be running through the mind of the girl across the table from you on your next date”. 

And queue blog material!  This is a 3 part blog entry and let me just say that I now feel sane!  It’s good to know that I’m not alone, and the crazy thoughts that swirl around my head on a daily basis also swirl around the heads of others.  EJ had her own ‘Let’s Review’ at the end of each part, but I decided to erase hers and insert my own.

I know this is long, but it’s worth it, pinky swear!  

“Please note: The following is not an exaggerated reenactment.  It documents actual thoughts which are taken directly from the mind of the girl, and may be unsuitable for the eyes of a single male in the 20s to mid-30s age bracket. (And by unsuitable, I mean brutally honest. As much as girls try to act sane on the outside, there may or may not be psychotic behavior happening behind the scenes).  I am here to help answer the age old question: "What are girls actually thinking?!?"

PART I - Girl During the Day

7:00am:

I wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. (Actually I feel more like Ke$ha got hit by a truck and I need a coffee the size of my head).  Red light on blackberry is blinking at me. (So exciting is it a new Facebook request, comment or tag? a text from a boy? A mention in a tweet? an annoying BBM from a girl?)  I check my phone before my eyes are even fully open. Missed a late night text from (booty call boy). Ew, he texted way too late anyways. "What u up to?" at 2:35am on Thursday night, to me, just seems cheap. (Even if I did happen to be awake, or out for that matter, not a chance am I fulfilling a booty call order at that time of night. If you really wanted to get lucky, you should have texted me like, an hour earlier, and pretended that you wanted to meet up somewhere). (Trick me.)

And a missed text from bff#1: "woke up at (boy)'s apt...soo hungover."

Transition from bed to bathroom.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the palest of them all? (UGH I really need a tan. Should I go tanning? No, tanning is bad and gives you wrinkles. It's official. I'm getting older. But what about a spray tan? Being tan makes me think of the beach, and the beach makes me think of boys.  I want to be tan for boys.)

Text from bff#2: "ugh I had a dream about (boy she used to date) and now I'm in a womp mood." (Even if we hate you, we are thinking about you in our sleep.)

Me: whatever, he sucked. (All guys "suck" when we don't know how else to console our bff).

7:30am:

Shower, followed by application of Jergen's Natural Glow lotion, followed by hair, makeup and wardrobe. What a production! (When girls say they can't go out in public without wearing eye liner or mascara, "going out in public" means "what if I run into a boy". Do you think we suffer through the heat and arm cramp process of hair-dryer-round-brush for fun? No, it's because a wet bun on the top of our head does not help a guy to imagine what it would be like to run his fingers though our hair).

8:00am:

Turn on the Today show to catch up on the latest breaking news, otherwise known as what color suit will Matt Lauer be wearing. I have a thing for him, what can I say. He's a sexy silver fox who knows how to crack a joke every now and then. (Although, I think he was twice accused of having a wandering eye, but who hasn't been these days.) Ugh Matt has the day off and I'm stuck with Al Roker. You are dead to me, Lauer. Dead to me.

BBM from bff#3: "love the new uploaded pics! Just one thing though, I think your album is only available to your friends. Can you change it to friends of friends so (boy) can see? Also, can you delete pic #38 and #47? Bad angle. See you on Gchat!"

8:30am:

Venture out onto the streets. (Why haven't I seen my sidewalk crush lately?) (Will I have time to go to the gym later?) (Should I get a smoothie for breakfast when all I really want is a bagel?) (What's the plan tonight?)

Subway stairs. No cell service. Misery.

(That girl's outfit is cute). Get onto the 6 headed uptown. (Instantly surrounded by hot guys in suits. I'm staring, er, gawking. In my head I play a quick round of do, dump, date. When I am staring at you on the subway, I am judging your outfit and trying to figure out what you do for work.  I am then picturing you without clothes. I notice your left hand is sans wedding ring. I make up a name for you in my head. "Josh."  I create fake dialogue to repeat to friends and acquaintances. "This is my boyfriend Josh. We met on the subway. Isn't that crazy?! Hahah I know! What a unique story.")

59th Street. We both exit the car. I follow Josh up the stairs. I accidentally (intentionally) happen to notice the building he enters into and take a mental picture for Googling purposes later.

9:00am:

Starbucks. (Will today be the day I meet my future husband while waiting in line for coffee?) (Why do scones have so many calories!!) (That guy is so cute. Please come ask me to use the skim milk, and then propose.) (Propose what?) (Marriage.)

9:15-12pm:

Turn on my computer, log into Gchat, and type "fghjkl" (the standard greeting for "hey") to all my bff's. I immerse myself in convos about boys, weekend plans, and boys. I'm really thankful for those geniuses at Google who created a way for all of us to work together without even being in the same office.

Bff#3 chats me that, "(Boy) is signed on but has the red 'busy' dot next to his name." (I'm sorry, but you are not that busy if you sign into gmail. Get real. As if she'd chat him first anyways.)

Bff#3: "Ahh (boy) just turned green and has been green for 6 minutes now and no contact.  Am I showing up on your chat list? Can you see me? Wait, I'm going to sign out and sign back in.  K, what about now?"

Me: "Yes, I can see you, psycho. I have a date with (boy) laterrr! He better contact by at least 4pm about the plans for tonight." (Like, what if I want to go to the gym first.  Do I have time?  How do I know what to wear if I don't know where we are going? And how can I be casually late if I don't know the actual time he wants to meet there?) (This is NYC, people. Time is of the essence. We are on a need-to-know basis and we need-to-know the plan.)

Bff#4: "a;dskfj. Seriously just saw the hottest guy earlier when I was at Starbucks. He looked like (bff#5)'s cousin's friend.  I'm signed in on her Facebook page right now trying to look him up. There are 6 of his name on LinkedIn with no picture, so annoying. Can you ask (bff#5) where he works?"

Bff#5": "OMG I just saw (ex-boy) tagged in all these pics with this new girl. There were a lot of just him and her.  Do you think they are dating now?"

Lunch break.

Time to regroup my thoughts as I meander through the Whole Foods salad bar.  So many options, so little time (and I'm not referring to the toppings). This salad bar was a meat market. Boys were everywhere. Spotted a hot boy near the hearts of palm.  Not even a fan of hearts of palm, (hate the texture and the looks), but you wanna know what? They were sitting right next to a vat of steamed broccoli that (hot boy) was spooning into his decomposable container. So I scooped in some HOP and continued to play musical salad toppings. We met again at the dressings where I found him shaking the bottle of balsamic vinegar.  Uh-oh, it was on its final drip. (do you see me eyeing that balsamic vinegar as I am subtly-yet-obviously eyeing you? Hand it to me and say something witty, I pray.)

Back at work.  Refresh my Gmail. Facebook request from (boy) from the past weekend. Sigh of relief.  Kind of thought the request would come earlier in the week, but, I get it. Clearly he was thinking about me and didn't want to come on too strong and waited until the end of the week to reach out. I set my blackberry alarm to remind myself to accept the request approximately 4.5 hours later.

4.5 hours later....I accept his request and immediately scan his recent pics from my phone.  Ugh, I'm going to have to do this at home when I am actually in front of my computer and can fully analyze these pictures.

4:55 pm

I announce to my Gchat list that I am signing off after I had spent a better part of the day analyzing my date I have for that night. (Boy) ended up contacting around 3:30 with the plan.  (7am to 3:29pm time frame involved me checking my phone every 15 minutes with the typical thoughts orbiting my mind: "Are we still going out? When will he text? He's not texting. He must be in a meeting. He hates me. It's over. Is my network connection working on my blackberry? Bff#2, is your blackberry working? I swear I felt my phone vibrate - ugh, it was just the phantom vibrate. Now the red light is blinking, seriously DailyCandy email updates, I could kill you.)

5:00 pm

Running (walking) to the gym. Primetime for a meat market. (That looks like a guy from JDate). (I wonder if my gym crush will be there tonight). (That IS a guy from JDate...awkward). Which machine today? Elliptical, Stairmaster or Treadmill? Depends on where the (boys) are. Open Stairmaster next to (hot boy), score. He was getting off the machine and his towel accidentally grazed my arm.

Him: "Sorry." (Yeah, I live in the neighborhood, too.  Nope, not dating anyone serious right now.  Of course, here's my number, I agree, we should def hang out sometime).

Me: "It's OK."

5:45 pm

Water fountain. Sweating. Scanning scene. Spotted. Gym crush. I head to the stretching mat and get down on my hands and knees prepping myself to do some sort of butt exercise that I don't really know how to do but plan to make up on the spot. (Helloooo...look at me. I am positioned on my hands and knees....does this bring on any sexual thoughts? Am I the only one with sexual thoughts at the gym?) Seriously though, I see you staring at me right now and I see you here EVERY day. (Do guys ever wonder if they should approach a girl at the gym? Well here is our answer: make a move!  If girls didn't want to be approached at the gym, they would do the Thighmaster alone in the privacy of their own apartment while watching a Real Housewives of NYC marathon and sneaking handfuls of pop chips).

Let's Review:

Girls are always thinking about how to meet ‘the one’.  They are constantly looking around at ‘prospectives’ and trying to get their attention, even on all fours at the gym.  Girls truly believe that everyone looks better tan and that tan=attractive.  We all have PATH/Subway/Sidewalk/Starbucks crushes and it makes our morning just a little bit better when we see them.  I would say 85% of girls on a subway play Date, Do, Dump…what else are you supposed to do on a subway when all you can really do is stare?   Gchat is in fact the devil…it decreases my productivity by approximately 40% a day.