This particular article breaks down why I'm not married into a 6 item list. Here's the synopsis:
1. You're a Bitch - Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife. I would never consider myself to be angry, in fact, I think I’m pretty good at laughing stuff off instead of letting it make me angry, however if someone does piss me off, they better watch the heck out. I stand up for myself, I always have (you can tell I’m a product of the ‘therapy’). With this said, who wants to marry a pushover? Or someone who can’t stand their ground? Or someone who doesn’t have feelings other than bliss? That would lead to one boring lifelong commitment if you ask me. I’m nice to people when they’re nice to me and they deserve to be nice to. If my future husband wants me to be nice to him, he should follow suit and be nice to me. Maybe THAT’S why I’m not married, no one has been nice enough to me, to make me be nice in return. And just for the record, I have seen Kim Kardashian angry, it was 2 weeks ago on KKTNY when she was woken up by her sister on ‘the only day she gets to sleep in’…so HA!
2. You're Shallow - When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either. “Shallow” is a strong word. I would say that I have ‘criteria’. The author is right though, if I had NO criteria, and only wanted someone ‘of character’…I have a plethora of ‘characters’ I could choose from, starting with the snaggle tooth guy and ending with the married man. But I’m looking for more than a commitment, I want a commitment with someone I am crazy about for the rest of my life and if that’s too much to ask, then I don’t want the commitment. And to be perfectly honest, I think realizing that makes me MUCH more mature than the teenage girl you’re accusing me of being.
3.You're a Slut - Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now. Oh wow, Happy Monday to you too…It’s actually biologically impossible for a woman to have sex and not get attached, which is why I recommend having sex with someone you’ve already been attached to because none of these feelings matter. And I don’t think sleeping with an ex from time to time while I’m single makes me a slut (Sorry, Mom!)
4. You're a Liar - It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place. I am nothing of the sort. I have never ever changed what I was looking for to make myself fit into a guys life. When I wasn’t looking for a relationship (ie most of college) the respective guys knew it. However, I’ve dated many guys who had no idea what they wanted and felt that it was acceptable to string me along (which is probably why one would imagine I’m a bitch). With that said, If I ever change what I’m looking for from this point on (at the age of 24 and 359 days)…just kill me, because that would just prove that I’ve learned absolutely nothing through this entire process. And just so we’re clear: I am looking for a relationship, hell I’ve been blogging about the quest for a year.
5. You're Selfish - If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios. I do think about my outfits, my career and how I should find a wealthy guy to solve my problems, but I would actually argue that I don’t think about myself enough. I think about everyone else in my life and how I can make them happier or make their lives better. On another note, of course I want children, but if you think I’m adopting a child to bring around a husband, your are off of your rocker.
6. You're Not Good Enough - Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. Umm…this one actually confuses me. Of course I’m looking for someone decent looking, with a good family (98% of mine is good) and a good job…that’s exactly what I am/have. I want a guy to be my equal…that’s what keeps a relationship going, it’s called a partnership for a reason. Why would I want to fake anything? This isn’t middle school, no one should be ‘fake’. I’m going to go out on a limb and veto this from the list of reasons I’m not married.
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