Please just dont...

I have been single for a while now (SHOCKER!) and there have been some really ridiculous comments made by those around me.  I'd like to think that the snide comments aren't meant to be low blows, but some of them it's hard to take any other way.  There are also the comments that make you go 'Duh!'.  A friend of mine came across this article, entitled The 9 Most Annoying Things to Say to a Single Person and so to you, the lovely people that read my blog, I'm begging you (on behalf of other singles worldwide) to please, stop saying these things to the single people in your life:

1. "Are you seeing someone? Why not?"
Ya know, that's the funny thing about being single...it means I'M SINGLE, as in one, solo, me, myself and I, so no actually I'm not seeing someone.  And why not?  Read my blog.  If I knew why I wasn't seeing someone, I wouldn't be single anymore.

2. "Have you tried online dating?"
Tried it?! That's like asking if you've tried a cell phone. It's the year 2011...Of course I have tried it...TWICE and failed miserably TWICE.  You are not coming up with some new and improved way to date, and until you do, you should probably not say this to a single person.

3. "It'll happen when you least expect it."
HA! This is one of my favorites.  Anyone who is single (and looking) knows that you're kind of always hoping love finds you.  Whether its the guy who says 'hi' in Starbucks or your next blind date..there is always a glimmer of hope, so you're basically always expecting it.  Furthermore, I read a book that I believed was fiction about a woman's online dating issues and how she 'stopped expecting love' on her 39th birthday...she was still alone at 40...and it ended up being non-fiction.  It literally scarred me for life...As much as I have 'given up hope'...I don't believe I'm supposed to be alone forever (the psychic told me so) and I will always be expecting to find the right guy.  So please don't tell me to not expect it, it's kind of offensive. 

4. "Oh my god, can I wing for you? I am such a good wingman."
I am leaving this one to the website...they hit it spot on: If you're single for long enough, you become sort of a toy, a pet project for your coupled up friends. They like to parade you out to bars and insist on winging for you, which is really just a way for them to vicariously experience the "thrill" of picking someone up at a bar. The problem is that for them, it's all about the hunt, and not at all about finding someone with whom you would actually be compatible in the long term (or even just in daylight). This means they start indiscriminately flirting with anyone in sight, ignoring the fact that you're wildly gesticulating for them to stop, drawing your finger across your throat and making gagging noises. The end result is usually a huffy ride home ("But I set it up perfectly for you! He was so into you! He was not that bad!") followed by the inevitable conclusion that you are single because you're picky and obviously impervious to even the most nuanced and skillful winging.

Just because you're in a relationship and felt the need to 'get out there' again...does not make me picky, or impossible...but it does make you a terrible wingwoman.

5. "You need to put yourself out there more!"
Where would you like me to put myself out there?  I've put myself all over the freaking internet, all over Central New York, all over NYC and all over NJ...where else would you like me to try?  Mexico? Canada?  YOU TELL ME WHERE I SHOULD PUT MYSELF!

6. "Why don't you join a group?"
Saying this means that you - A. don't think I have any hobbies, B. sit on my ass alone in my free time, or C. you think the kind of guy I want is in some co-ed baking group.  I was not in a sorority for this reason, and I don't plan on joining a 'group' at 25.

7. "You just need to ______."
Flirt. Make eye-contact. Go out. Tone it down. Talk less. Dress sluttier. Meet more people. Be less intimidating. Let them see how awesome you are. Make the move. Don't shy away. Don't be so forward. Don't seem so desperate. Be less picky. Change your profile picture. Stop talking to your ex. Stop looking so hard. Stop trying so hard. Put a little more effort into it. Lower your expectations. Just have fun and date more. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. 

People have actually said those things to me...it's funny how quickly people will tell you what's 'wrong' with you as long as it remains in the context of dating...

8. "It's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship."
No sh*t...really?!  Why would I be looking for the wrong relationship!? I could find one of those today. I'm looking for the right relationship...and that would be better than being single.

9. "Wow, I am so glad I never have to be single again."
Well congrats for you my friend.  But you better hope you didn't just jinx yourself...because you can always be single again.

Deuces!

Really?  Of all the things to say to me, Ed...THAT'S what you went with?!  You don't need to worry about it, because I won't be baking for you anytime soon.

With that said...I am officially done with Match.com! I had my last date last night (it was supposed to be Wednesday, but we had to reschedule). I sent him a text at about 6:45pm just asking if we were still on tonight (the date was for 7:30...I would've had to leave at 7) and he didn't respond.  I immediately started laughing because I thought being stood up would've been a perfect end to the ridiculous 6 months I subjected myself to.  I had some stuff to do (ie put gas in my car, stop at the ATM, etc) so I was somewhat dressed as I was running these errands.  At 7:25 he responds, "of course!  I'll be there in a few minutes...Call me when you get there"  Um, What?! I skipped the ATM and sped to the restaurant, only to find out that it wasn't where I thought it was and I was lost.  I called when I got there and he wasn't there yet, he was at Barnes and Noble reading...but came right over (those West Coast guys really are different than the New Jersey nonsense). He was adorable and very tall and smart...and he will make some girl very happy some day (this experience has at least taught me that if you have no expectations, you can't be let down).  

And finally, because I feel like Match has been such a big part of my life (and my blog) I decided to write a letter to Match.com to 'thank' it for everything it's done:

Dear Match.com,

The time has come to say our goodbyes.  We’ve had some good laughs (and cries) but I have to say I’m relieved to see you go. 

While you introduced me to people I would have never met on my own, you also introduced me to people I would have been okay never crossing paths with.  For instance, I could’ve done without the guy that stared at me through an entire drink, the guy who was obsessed with his Armani glasses and the guy who tried to guess my chest size via email. I also could have done without the let downs from the trickery of those that seemed ‘normal’ and the rejection from the guys I thought might like me.

The last 6 months or so have been a complete roller coaster and have honestly made me more self conscious then I have ever been in my life.  I was never afraid to ‘put myself out there’ and I was never afraid of rejection, but all of a sudden, those feelings were not only felt, but magnified.  When you talk to someone for weeks and believe you have a lot in common and that you genuinely like talking to each other and then you go to meet them in person and it’s a disaster, you really have no choice but to blame yourself.  When the guy doesn’t call you back after a first date, you feel like it’s no one’s fault but your own. No matter what anyone tries to tell you (“it’s his loss”, “you’re too pretty for him anyway”, “you couldn’t have worn heels”) it doesn’t take away the initial sting of feeling ‘unwanted’. I joked about Match a lot, but there were plenty of times I was joking about it because it was the only way I knew how to get through it.

Above all of the negative things I’ve felt and encountered from being on your site, I need to thank you.  Thank you for helping me realize that I’m not in a rush to settle down.  Thank you for helping me realize that I’m perfectly content waiting for the right guy, and most importantly, thank you for helping me realize that if Prince Charming doesn't show up, I have an amazing support system around me and I’ll be just fine on my own (with a dog of course).

Sincerely,

M

Thankful

Since tomorrow I will be in NYC for the Thanksgiving Day Parade (not by choice I can assure you) I decided I will do my Thanksgiving post today instead. 

Let me start out by saying that I have not had an easy life by any means...I have dealt with more in the last 11 years of my life than some people deal with in a lifetime...but I'm thankful for it all.  I honestly believe that every single life experience has made me stronger than a lot of my peers and has also helped me cherish the good times with the people I love.

First, I am thankful for my mom, even though she makes fun of how big my hips are and yells at me for not having enough room for my clothes in my closet, she is my best friend and biggest support.  I didn't realize until recently how much she sacrificed for me growing up (driving hours and hours to softball tournaments and sitting through hours and hours of cheerleading competitions).  She seriously had to waste a good 5 years of her life carting me around...but if you asked her, I don't think she'd say it was time wasted. I am also thankful for my little brother...without explanation, he inspires me every single day.

Second, I am thankful for my insane family.  We're a broad of beauty queens, athletes, comedians and politicians, but let me tell you, they are a fantastic bunch.  I have cousins that act as sisters and grandparents that have had incredible life experiences.  Even though I've been told that I "look like Pretty Woman" (ie a prostitute) and I've been asked "are you wearing make-up?" (of course I was, it was my birthday) I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Third, I am thankful for my crazy friends. I have 3 friends that I have known for about 20 years (I'm only 24) and the memories we created are some of my favorite.  The dynamic of our friendships are constantly changing, but that's growing up.  I am also thankful for the new friends that have come into my life...some of them were 'instant friendships' which I had never experienced before I was in 20 but I can't imagine my life without these people.  I can't wait for the weddings, baby showers and housewarming parties that are to come.

Fourth, I am thankful for every single bad date I've been on in the last 10 years.  Every bad experience will make me appreciate the guy I end up with THAT much more and make me work a lot harder than I think I would've to keep him around. I am also thankful for every single mistake I've made in the last 25 years, I have learned from them all and they have molded me into a better person than I would've been otherwise. 

I am also thankful for having an education, an opinion and a job, even though I would like to forget about the student loans, pissing people off and being an indentured servant. 

Happy Turkey Day to you and your family! 

The light at the end of the Match Tunnel

So Friday was a very exciting day!  The Post Standard published my op-ed piece on their website and then I found out on Saturday that Fox Sports columnist, Reid Forgrave quoted me in his article!  I know it's just an op-ed piece, I have actual writers in my family, so I know writing is a difficult job, but I was still super excited.  Especially because I always got in trouble in school for 'writing the way I spoke'.  I should print out the article and send it to good old Mrs.Mafia and Mr. Z with a note that says "See! I can write...kind of."  I would also like to thank everyone who was so supportive on Friday for all of their kind words...It means a lot to know that I could basically do or say anything in the world and the people in my life would love me no matter what.

In other news THIS IS MY LAST WEEK ON MATCH.COM. I don't think I have ever been more excited for something to end in my life.  I have been on the website for 6 months and I honestly don't think anything positive has come from the experience (you'll see what I mean on Friday when I post my final Match article).  I'm a little worried about this blog...I know a lot of you come here to laugh at my misfortunes (which is evil, by the way) but my everyday life normally plays out like a drama-dy so I have to have some faith that I will still be able to apply humor to the everyday situations.  If that fails, I can always sign up for OKCupid or some other free site, because I'm sure there is no shortage of crazy on those sites. 

Thursday night I went on a date with funny email guy.  He happens to work downtown and knew of a 'cool bar' down there, so I packed up my Cole Haan and took my Midtown based self down to the 4 train.  Little did I know that Occupy Wall Street (my favorite little bunch of people) decided to occupy my subway platform.  Between not being able to get off of the stairs, to officers yelling 'Don't push!'...and everyone pushing anyway...I should've known this was going to be a dozy.   Well I get out of the subway only to be greeted by NYPD in riot gear...that's right...riot gear.  For those of you that haven't seen it, it's a giant helmet with a shield and their clubs drawn...and it's kind of intimidating.  After pushing my way through the 'City Hall Protest', staying out of the way of the 50 officers on horseback that were coming straight for me AND finding the correct address to the bar (yes, he gave me the wrong address)...I made it.

The date was fine...nothing spectacular.  He has an impressive resume though...Iraq vet, worked in the Secret Service and currently a Federal Agent (I should probably only say nice things, because he basically has EVERY tool at his disposal to stalk me if he chooses to do so).  He was also VERY tall...which is always a plus.  While leaving the bar, he insisted on walking me back to the subway stop where I encountered the problems earlier in the night and I thought that was a great idea (I'm really not one to risk my life twice in one night).  Little did we know the walking conditions could get worse.  It was single file, pushing and shoving for 4 blocks only to get to the subway and have officers tell us it was closed (how do you close and entire subway stop?!).  We tried to turn around, but going the opposite direction of protesters in a single file line is actually just as difficult as it sounds.  Eventually we got to a police officer who looked somewhat helpful and stopping was the worst thing we could've done...I literally thought I was going to be knocked to the ground.  I was now holding on to this stranger who whips out his badge and goes to the officer, "Sir, I'm a Federal Agent and I need to get her back to Port Authority"....it was like magic.  The cop opened the metal gate, escorted us accross the street and told another cop to escort us to the A train a few blocks away...it was glorious. I get to the subway and I said "Well thanks, this was an experience" and he said "Yeah, I hope the Patriots lose".  Clearly not the way a normal date ends.  Needless to say, we haven't been in contact since.  In the words of my Grandma "Stay the hell away from downtown!!  You're an Uptown Girl!!" Amen, Grandma.

Foto Friday Has Been Postponed....

Originally, I was planning on talking about my date last night, Occupy Wall Street and the fact that my date had to literally pull out his badge and say to a cop "I'm a Federal Agent, we need to cross the street"...but when I got home from my date, I was hit with some surprising news and I feel it needs to be addressed.

Bernie Fine, who is one of the Assistant Men's Basketball Coaches at Syracuse (my alma mater) is being investigated for child molestation.  In wake of the Penn State scandal, every precaution needs to be taken to protect the University which is why I believe  he was almost immediately (1 1/2 hours later) put on administrative leave.   But the way these allegations are being treated by the media and the public aren't entirely fair and there are A LOT of differences between the two issues.   It's extremely easy to say "another top tier University program in shambles" and "another sex crimes cover up" but the only thing the same in these two cases are the ALLEGATIONS.  I know some of you are immediately going to assume that I'm only defending Syracuse because of my allegiance, but hear me out, because I also worked with Sex Crimes victims and know the signs of abuse and the different ways victims of abuse, especially sex abuse react, along with statute laws and some other things I've learned through experience.

First and foremost the way the alleged victims approached the subject of being sexually abused are 180 degrees different from each other.  The 12+ victims that have accused Sandusky of abusing them have remained anonymous due to privacy issues and fear of being crucified by the Penn State faithful.  The two 'victims' (also 1/2 brothers) of Bernie Fine went directly to ESPN in 2003 and went to ESPN again in 2011.  Most victims either a. disclose the information to no one at all, b. disclose the information to a trusted source (parent, teacher, friend, etc) or c. act out in a way that triggers someone to ask questions...while I am the first one to admit that people cope in different ways, I can assure you that only ONE of my victims ever went directly to the press and her case was dismissed within days and she underwent a psych evaluation. You can also watch the interview of Bobby Davis and his half brother on ESPN and see for yourself if you think they are in fact victims of sex abuse.

Second of all, the statute of limitations in the two states are COMPLETELY different.  In Pennsylvania you have until your 50th birthday to report that you were sexually abused as a child.  In New York, you have until you're 23 years old (18 + 5 years) to disclose childhood sexual abuse...and that's for a FELONY.  If it's a 1st degree Felony, there is no statute, but forcible touching, which is essentially what Fine is being accused of is by no means a felony which gives it the misdemeanor statute of 2 years after the victims 18th birthday. Bobby Davis, the accuser, is now 39 years old...when he first brought the allegations to ESPN, he was 33, well past the statute. 

Third of all, there is NO corroborating evidence.  The police AND Syracuse University investigated the allegations in 2005 and both dismissed the case...In fact, ESPN and The Post Standard (Syracuse's largest newspaper) didn't even RUN the story, because of the unfounded claims.  The Penn State Scandal has eye witnesses, outcry witnesses and a University cover up.  The Syracuse case has two half brothers, saying they were both 'handled' by Bernie Fine until they were in their late 20's.

Finally, Sandusky has stated in interviews that he showered with the boys, he 'horsed around' with them and when asked if he was sexually attracted to young boys took an extremely uncomfortable pause before he answered that he 'enjoyed being around them'.  He also didn't have the support of Joe Paterno, the figurehead of Penn State Football, mainly because JoPa knew about the allegations.  Bernie Fine had denied the allegations since 2003 and has Jim Boeheim's full support: "It is a bunch of a thousand lies that (Davis) has told. You don't think it is a little funny that his (relative) is coming forward? (Davis) supplied four names to the university that would corroborate his story. None of them did. ... There is only one side to this story. He is lying."

Now if these allegations pan out and Bernie Fine is charged (note that Sandusky was charged with 40+ counts of child abuse and sex abuse among other things BEFORE the story went public) I will be the first one to say 'fire his butt, he does not represent Syracuse University the way it should be represented'...However, until a Syracuse Grand Jury finds there is enough evidence against Bernie Fine to charge him with numerous counts of child molestation, he has my support 100% and I would hope that others would follow suit.

Not again...

Well, the psychic strikes again and predicted something else. Of course, it's not something I wrote about, so I look like an idiot, but it is something that was on the tape, so there are 2 other people that have heard it for themselves and know that I'm not making this stuff up.  However, it hasn't actually happened yet, so you're going to have to wait for me to tell you what it was (maybe around Friday or Monday)...I'm sure you'll live...lol.

In other news, I received an email from a man on Match that complimented my 'energy' in my profile...You can tell a lot about a person from their profile, but I don't know about their 'energy'...but being a glutton for punishment, I had to check out  his profile and see what kind of nut job this actually was...and boy was I in for a shocker.  What's even funnier, is that when I went to get a screen shot of his profile for you guys, he updated it, so the part that really had me laughing, was edited!  But I remember what it really said, so fear not!

Okay, lets take this paragraph by paragraph.  You sir, seem to have a lot going on...and I mean A LOT.  And while you sound like you're compassionate and in shape, I have no desire to date a spin instructor, especially because I spent most of college loathing mine.  The baking thing is a little feminine for me...especially because you pick your own fruit to use in your baking, but that's just a personal preference. 

Now this is where it gets interesting...This guy clearly doesn't know about the horseback riding mishap of 2001, but there is a 5% chance that I will ever get on a horse again.  He also doesn't know that I hate flying and I will NEVER get into one of those 4 person planes where I know the pilot...Unless of course my lovely future husband hires a guy to fly us in a private plane to some desert island.  BALL ROOM DANCE TEAM?! I can appreciate the time and dedication you took out of your life in college to participate in a sport, however if your name isn't Maksim Chmerkovskiy, I find it hard to believe that you're masculine enough to date a softball player.

Let's move on...Independence? Goals? Intelligence? Strength? Reasonable Job? Check! Check! Check! Check!  Not a chance in hell.  My job is by no means 'reasonable'...sorry, I don't fit the bill.

Now the part I really wanted to show you is in pink.  Originally this said 'I expect to spend at least 2 hours a week with my partner, as I think you need to schedule time for relationships in order for them to blossom'.  I read that and it literally screamed both controlling and crazy and what guy uses the word 'blossom' to describe a relationship?! What he changed it to still sounds somewhat demanding, but I guess it's better than his 2 hour minimum.  If I, the self proclaimed scheduling queen think you're too organized (and yes, I think scheduling 2 hours a week for a loved one is too organized), there are issues my friend, severe issues.

So for the reasons listed above, he received a 'No Thank You' email.  As Match says, "there are other fish in the sea".  

Mere Crocker

It's Monday and that means one more full week of work before Thanksgiving 'Break' (I like to pretend I'm still in college and I get 'breaks').  I seriously hear Thomas the Tank Engine in my  head as we speak, "I think I can, I think I can...".   I had a good weekend though!  The Patriots killed the Jets (thank you Andre Carter for the 4.5 sacks and Ochocinco for actually being alive) and I baked...A LOT. 

My cousin and her boyfriend just moved in together, and their kitchen is GORGEOUS.  I should have taken pictures of the kitchen (but I just thought of it right now) but instead I took pictures of some of the food! The first picture is of "Chunky Chippers" (sorry, that one's kind of a family recipe) and "Mini Pumpkin Pecan Pie".  The second picture is of Peanut Butter Cheesecake (and yes, it was as good as it sounds).  We also made "Beehive Banana Muffins" and a some form of "Chocolate Sundae Bar".



I can't figure out how to turn this clockwise!





















I would also like to point out that when I delivered these to the family I babysit for, the dad's first words were "Oh wow, you're so domestic all of a sudden"...I started watching his kids 14 years ago, you think that was a quality they might've looked for...But after I left and they tried the baked goods, I got a text message of praise!  Go me!

FOTO FRIDAY!

First of all Happy Veteran's Day!  I am truly thankful for everyone that has fought for our country and my individual freedoms.  It's also 11/11/11...maybe I should wait to post this at 11:11am?

It's also Foto Friday, but I have a normal post as well, so you're really getting a double dose of blogging on this wonderful Friday.

Now, on to the nonsense...

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a WikiHow for everything...I didn't believe this until 'How To Get a Good Man' showed up in my G chat window.  I started laughing and quickly started searching for other How To's and found this little gem:

How To Find Your Perfect Match

1.  Be aware of the things you constantly do, and try to find someone who does a lot of the same things as you. I [constantly] bite my cuticles and text while I drive ...are these really traits I should be looking for in the opposite sex?

2. Think about what you want in a man/woman. I think about it almost daily...Every time I get a Match email, every time I post to my blog and everytime I think about becoming asexual and just getting a puppy.

3.  Make a list of what you want in a man/woman. Write down their personality traits, looks, and other important details. Does she like dogs? Is he allergic to hamsters?  This list has been in my head for 23 years (yes, I had a crush when I was two) and I can assure you, "allergic to hamsters" is not on the list.

4.  Look at your list at least once a day, if not more. Border line compulsive...I vote yes.
5.  Make mistakes, because mistakes make you learn who you really are. Adele says it best "regrets and mistakes they're memories made".
6.  Don't be afraid to show how you feel. Personality will attract the one who is perfect for you. Oh great!  So if I'm bloated and PMSing, I'll be sure to let him know...if he's my perfect mate, he'll think it's hot.
7.  Be flirtatious and look your best, because if you feel pretty you usually look it too. I have seen many girls who 'felt' pretty but didn't necessarily look it...
8.  Get out there and start dating. Don't worry if you don't find 'the one' at first. At first?!  What about at all...ever?!  That's what we're dealing with here WikiHow!
9.  Listen to your Heart So THIS is what I've been doing wrong...I've been listening to my Cerebral Cortex and not my heart.

Obviously these are pretty ridiculous.  BUT just when you think it doesn't get any worse, here are screen shots from the end of the article:

And just for good measure...they put a list of topics that they're looking for people to write about:

I really can't believe no one wrote 'How to Get a Pisces Man'...

My favorite e-mail

Good morning and Happy Thursday!  While I normally call out unfortunate men on my blog, I'm going to take a second to applaud one of the most recent guys to contact me on Match.  His email is below (you should enjoy it while you can, because I'm about 95% positive my mother will read this and say something about me losing my job for stupidity I post on the internet, or something of the like.  For some reason she's been WAY too happy violating my 1st Amendment rights lately) but anyway...here's the email:
Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to actually read my profile.  It was very considerate of you to put stuff in the email that actually has to do with my interests and not just my eyes, smile or chest.  I also appreciate the proper grammar you used and the fact that you ran your email through spell check before you hit send.  Furthermore, your sarcasm (along with your bright blue eyes) roped me in almost immediately.  The fact that you threw in a current event gets you HUGE bonus points. I look forward to 'chatting' with you further.

-M

10 Reasons He Doesn't Call You Back

This is a [disgruntled] man’s response to an article written by a women entitled “Top 10 Reasons I won’t call a Guy Back After the 1^st Date” (written by a woman) as always, I’ve included my comments in an attempt to apply this ridiculous logic to my actual life.

….to the girl who made the “top 10 reasons why I won’t call a guy back after the first date” post, I just wanted to say that I think you are being nit picky and unrealistic. There is a reason why women like you can’t get a date….you fly off the handle at the smallest things and wind up going off the deep end for no reason at all. So I was a few minutes late for a date…is that any reason for you to not call me back? Let’s talk about the things that females do that make guys not want to call them back after the first date:

1.  You looked NOTHING like your picture on your online dating profile.  

If the girl has some sort of weird camera angle in her online dating pictures, guys: turn and run. There is usually a good reason why a girls pictures look like Pablo Picasso arose from the dead, bought a cheap $25 digital camera and decided to experiment with photography. I am not trying to be mean here, it’s just that everyone in life has different preferences in the opposite sex. As cheap and shallow as it may seem, I want to have a fairly good idea of what you look like before we go out. Still think I’m being mean? Look at it this way: If you were in line behind me at the grocery store and we made eye contact and you found yourself not physically attracted to me, would you be inclined to carry on a conversation with me and give me your phone number at the end? It works both ways, sweetheart.  I look EXACTLY like my pictures…granted I put the most flattering pictures on the website, but they’re still me.  You should also account for the person you’re meeting to look at least a LITTLE different in person.  If you think I’m showing up to our date looking the same as I did for my friend’s wedding, I’m sorry, get a clue…it’s not happening.  ESPECIALLY because chances are you look different as well…and I have no idea if you’re even worth the professional make-up application. And your grocery store example is flawed I always carry on conversations with strangers in the grocery store and don’t give my number out to strangers, so if you found yourself talking to me in line and I declined to give you my number, it actually wouldn’t have had anything to do with you at all.

2. Yack Yack Yack

Is there anything more rude than answering your cell phone and yacking away with your girlfriend while out on a date? I understand if your Aunt Martha fell down a flight of stairs and forget to recharge the batteries in her life-alert bracelet and she just happened to be carrying her new iPhone in her pocket with your number on speed dial….I really do. But when your girlfriend calls you in the middle of our date and you start blabbing away about what you did last night for more than 5 minutes, I find myself slowly reaching into my pocket to fake a phone call from my Uncle John who happened to fall down a flight of stairs with his discharged life-alert bracelet and his new iPhone…I think that anyone who answers their phone on a date is rude and obnoxious.  Despite what anyone may think, it doesn't make you look important, it makes you look like a donkey.  ALL PARTIES SHOULD TURN THEIR PHONES OFF WHEN THEY'RE ON A DATE.  I agree with you on this one, I wouldn't call you back either. 

3. I am not sure whether to buy you dinner or ask your hourly rate.
I realize you may have certain “assets” on your body. Most women do. And being a guy, I do like eye candy. But if I am looking for a potential relationship out of you….there is nothing that will make me turn tail and run than if you come dressed with your boobs half hanging out in a short miniskirt and flirt with every guy that you see. (prolonged eye contact with other males does indeed constitute “flirting”). I realize that I may have broken the “guy code” here by telling women to cover up, but it is not what it seems. When guys (at least me and my friends) are looking for a potential relationship with a female we are interested in, we want to know (or at least think) that our girl is as pure as the driven snow when she is out in public. Okay, here’s the deal:  I have boobs and hips…If I hide both, I look like I’m wearing a potato sack and have the body of a small linebacker and weigh in at 300 lbs.  I am not going to make myself look ridiculous, just so you can think that I’m ‘pure as snow’.  I’m 24 years old, I went to a party school and loved every second of it.  While I am looking for a relationship, I’m not erasing my past, or my ‘assets’ to make you more comfortable.  You should be comfortable enough with yourself, to where I can say hello to someone else (or in your example above ‘look’ at them) and you won’t be offended.  If me acknowledging someone else’s presence means I charge an ‘hourly rate’…then thanks, but no thanks, I’m not interested.

4. Say you, Say me, Say it for always, that’s the way it should be…

If during the course of normal conversation the lyrics to the above Lionel Richie song start popping into my mind, I find myself looking for any excuse to end the date. I am not a male model, but I do realize that some women find me pretty attractive/borderline “good looking”. If while talking to me your eye gaze starts suggesting that I should don a 1980′s JerryCurl and neon Miami Vice overcoat and get down on my knees and start singing you a ballad, I’m outta there man. Great, now I got that stupid song stuck in my head. This honestly doesn’t even warrant a response.  Read your own number 6…you’re begging for some kind of sign and as far as I’m concerned a look of admiration (while a little creepy) counts as a sign. Be careful what you wish for my friend…

5. Pull my finger…
I am sorry, I realize that ladies do act like ladies most all of the time. But if you accidentally “let one go” and it is audible enough to ring the bell on the church 5 miles away….that just killed it. I realize that accidents do happen, but…..still. You might be able to salvage the date if there is a dog nearby and you deftly try to blame it on the dog. I am a big 3 Stooges fan, so the comedic value just might outweigh the shock value. A perfectly executed “Curly Shuffle” afterwards will result in bonus points. Have you been on dates where a girl farted?  You’re obviously dating the wrong girls.  Furthermore, you know just as well as I do that if a girl did the “Curly Shuffle” after farting on a date with you, you would NOT call her back…under any circumstance.  You would use the material for your blog.

6. I’m feelin’ it, you facial expressions and body language show otherwise, but deep down inside, you really are.
Guys are not mind readers. When I go out on a first date with a girl, I am a little bit nervous. Even though I can cover it up really well, I am most likely walking on broken eggshells until I find that comfort zone. During the course of the date I try to watch a girl’s facial expressions and body language to get a guage on whether or not I might get rejected if I ask her out on a second date. If I am not getting any perceivable signs that she is interested, chances are I won’t call you back or write you another email. I hate getting rejected and probably most guys do too. I have had more than a few girls call me back after I neglected to call them back after the first date, telling me how big of an “a-hole” I was for “leading them on”. Well if they had shown me some sign (any sign !!) that they were in the least bit interested in me, then I would have. Guys fear rejection too, ladies.  Okay, I have a HUGE problem with this.  If a girl lets a guy know she’s interested, she’s either ‘desperate’, ‘needy’, or ‘already in love’.  If she plays it cool, calm and collected, she’s either ‘not interested’, ‘not worth the chase’ or ‘boring’.  What kind of signs do you want?  We already have our boobs and legs covered for you (#3), we can’t look at you (#4), and for all intensive purposes we can’t tell you we’re interested (that would make us desperate, needy or in love)…so what the heck would you like us to do?!

7. I just wasn’t feeling it

I really can’t break this one down any further. I am sure this goes both-ways without saying. If I am “not feeling it”, I will not lead you on, and you will know that it just isn’t happening for me. I would only hope that you have the same courtesy to do that to me instead of leading me on. You are missing the point.  It’s totally fine to not have chemistry and not be ‘feeling it’…However, all females want is the common courtesy of telling us that!  I would be much happier with a text that says “Hey, it was nice meeting you, but I don't think this is going to work out…best of luck in your search!” then I would be with you ignoring me and never giving me any kind of explanation and leaving me to sit here and go through every single comment and movement I made on our date. 

8. Red Flags
I am writing this “top 10″ list from the perspective of a guy who is looking for a relationship. If I was looking for anything else, I would probably not be as picky. I look for little “red flags” in women that suggest certain things/traits that I am not looking for. It’s a scientific fact that some women lie. I don’t know why this is, nor do I know the name of the scientist that made this incredible discovery. You will have to trust me on this one. So when I am out on a date, I purposely ask carefully worded questions during the course of normal conversation. If something isn’t adding up, I will slowly but surely zone in on the area that I don’t like, which brings us to reason #9: Wake up call: Some (ie most) guys lie also…if you think that quizzing your potential matches on a date is going to get you a relationship, think again my friend.  If they’re going to lie and they’re used to lying, they will pass your test BY LYING.  How about you have a normal conversation instead of ‘carefully worded questions’ and see if you like her that way?  And maybe, just maybe conversation will flow naturally.

9. Rule of 3
I am probably going to get shot by the “man counsel” for giving out this little gem, but a general rule of thumb (intelligent discretion must be applied) is that you take the amount of men that a girl says she has slept with, and multiply it by 3. I realize that there may be other formulas for this one….but my hippie community college professor once told me to stick with the rule of 3. Why am I telling you this? Because when I am looking for a relationship with a girl, I don’t want to know how many men you slept with (but i do). Does this make sense to you ladies? If not, then my work here is done. I don’t care if you’re my 95 year old husband and it’s your dying wish to know how many people I’ve slept with…I will NEVER tell you the answer to that question…it’s none of your business.  I know, what you’re thinking “but if we’re ‘together’ it is…” No, you’re wrong, it’s not…if we’re together, the only thing that matters is what happens from now on…the end.  By the way…this answer stays the same regardless if the number is 2 or 222.

The last and most important reason why men don’t call women back after the first date:

10. There was a good football game on t.v. the next day and we plain forgot.  Trust me, I was watching that exact same football game and I didn’t forget…use your brain.

Monday Blues

Despite getting the best sleep of my night last night (thank you extra hour) today is just a blah day.  I had an amazing weekend with friends, full of tailgating and football, but I’m still not 100% today. 

It could have something to do with the date on Friday, or the drink throwing at a dumb UConn fan on Saturday, but I think it’s something else. Needless to say, this was going to be a pretty depressing entry.  But then I remembered that something HYSTERICAL happened on my date on Friday.

The guy I was meeting was late, so I was sitting at a table alone in the bar area  and this guy walks in that looks really familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why.  So I take out my phone and start to browse every social media app I have mobile access to.  And I found out that he sent me a message on Match (which I declined).  Now I’m sitting there alone, trying to be incognito and all of a sudden he looks at me and we make eye contact.  Now for those of you who know me…you know that in any kind of awkward situation, I laugh…I can’t help it. So I immediately start to laugh and try my absolute hardest to stifle it, I did a pretty good job until I felt the need to reach for my phone and text someone what was going on.  The texts looked like this:

Me: “I am 99% positive there is a guy at the bar from match that keeps looking at me”

Her: “Hahaha!!!!! Omg!  Maybe he thinks you are HIS date tonight! LOL”

So now I’m back to laughing sitting at a table by myself and this guy is staring me down like I’m his veal parm dinner.  I did the only thing I could think to do and that was get up and switch my seat.  There was no way when my actual date got there, that I would be able to have a conversation with him with the other guy staring me down.  So there I was, sitting with my back to the guy and my back to the door when my actual date came in.  I made it through the entire date without telling him, even though I was DYING to because, no irony is lost on me.  I actually forgot all about this incident until I went on to Match this morning and the guy from the restaurant (not my date) WINKED at me…it’s him…I’m 100% sure it’s him…and I’m still not interested.  I’m not sure why God uses me as his personal entertainment, but you guys are sure benefiting from these ridiculous stories.

In other news, I got a message from a guy who had this listed in profile:

Okay, I can appreciate that you're a med student and that makes you busy...but does it make you too busy to give a LITTLE bit more about yourself in your 'About Me' section?  I wouldn't have responded anyway, because he listed himself as 5'9, which A. means he's too short to start with and B. means he's actually 5'7...but come on dude, you could put in a little more effort...the 'med school' card doesn't work on everyone...

Foto Friday!

This week I have a little bit of a theme to Foto Friday...

Who can guess what I'm doing this weekend?

AH!

I knew today was going to be a good day!

HUMP DAY!!!

Happy Hump Day!  

Today is going to be a good day, I feel it!  And I found this little guy, so how could it not?!


On to the next thing...I need a mini venting session: Even though I ask for advice often, I don't appreciate unsolicited advice (my mom will attest to this).  I've recently made a few decisions that not everyone in my life agrees with, and they like to show their non-approval by saying things like "I'm worried about you, I care about you, I don't want you to get hurt"...while I'm sure all of these sentiments are true (because I love them, I worry about them and I would never want them to get hurt), I'm a grown up and will live my life as such.  Not to mention this also makes me not want to share what's going on in my life because I'm in constant fear of being ridiculed and the "I told you so"s.  It took me a long long time to realize this, but my life is not a democracy...it's a dictatorship and I am my own Hitler.  Furthermore, I have been through SO MUCH more than any of you know (well that's not true, a few of you do know) and I am a strong resilient person.  No matter what happens in my life...I'll be okay.  Imagine how stress-free the world would be if everyone lived their own lives, instead of trying to live other peoples. Carpe diem.

Kate Spade Holiday Collection

So lately this blog has been kind of high on drama, low on fashion…but I saw the Kate Spade Holiday look book yesterday and I am in LOVE with basically everything, but decided to share some of my favorites with you.  All of these pieces can be purchased at Kate Spade or Bloomingdales.

And my ABSOLUTE favorite piece of the entire collection (aside from the polka dot dress) is:



Westward Collection- Runaway Duffel, $1,295.00



How can you go wrong with a sequin duffel bag?! I'm in love with the colors and the sparkles and the bows...it's basically my dream wardrobe compiled into a look book and I couldn't be more in lust! 

Now some of you might remember about a post I wrote at the end of August about my 1/2 hour with a psychic (if you don't remember you can read it here)  and the 6th bullet point down reads "a married man will hit on me".   Last night I was talking to the 'divorcee' (I use the term loosely because HE'S STILL MARRIED...and only filed for divorce) and I remembered this little tid-bit and automatically freaked out.  I found the tape (the session was recorded) and at 19:30 she says "There's a married man hitting on you, do what you want, but it's a waste of your time.  I'm telling you don't bother with him, you're heading for disappointment...I'll say I told you so". This is the third prediction (out of those that I shared with you) that has come true.  I should also mention there were a lot of personal ones involving my family that weren't posted that have also happened. I am so freaked out by this, I can't even tell you.  So then I started thinking even more about stuff the psychic said, and one was that a female couple around me would be breaking up...and after seeing the Kate Spade Holiday Collection, I immediately figured out that the female couple she was referring to was Lilly Pulitzer and I. RIP Lilly love affair.