Cyber Relationships

When I first heard about online dating I thought it screamed desperation. I never ever wanted to do it and NEVER wanted to have to tell someone that I met my significant other 'online'. However, one drunk New Year's Eve, my friends and I decided I should sign up for the 'free trial' on a dating website that rhymes with d-carmany and we filled out all of the questions (there were literally a thousand) after a few drinks. Well after a date with an alien and another with a guy with a snaggle tooth I decided this wasn't for me after all. This thought was reaffirmed when a co-worker agreed to meet someone from a free online dating site (think the little Valentine's Day cherub) for drinks and the morning of the date he sent her a naked picture, from a hotel room.

So when my boss asked me to create a profile for him on a website that rhymes with 'catch' I rolled my eyes and didn't think anything of it (but obviously complied). After going through HUNDREDS (I'm not kidding) of women, we found one that he decided was 'good enough'. I emailed her...well he wrote the email as if he were his own assistant and I sent it. They actually went on a date, but that's a whole 'nother post. So while I took all of my boss's 'requirements' and put them into the search engine, I realized that online dating is a lot like shopping. The pictures are there so you can look before you buy and the 'my life' section is kind of like consumer reports, so you can see if you're willing to invest in the merchandise. After 10 seconds of contemplation and promise of a 3 day free trial, I signed myself up for this dating shop-a-palooza.

This particular website asks for your 'like to haves' (and for those of you who know me, know there are quite a few) so I took this as my opportunity to find my 6'5 black preppy jew who owns sperrys, wears madras and can play both basketball and tennis...surprise, surprise, he didn't exist. So I put in the more realistic 'like to haves' and decided on 6'1-8'11 (that was the tallest height offered); within 40 miles of my hometown in NJ (which includes Manhattan); Christian or Jewish; Conservative, Middle of the Road, or Liberal (Yes, JG, you read that right, I left out 'ultra conservative'); Yes to dogs; Educated with at least a college degree. Okay, that sounds like an okay list to me ( Notice I didn't mention that I don't really like the artist types and if I know more about March Madness and football then they do, it's not going to work). I personally look at someone's 'like to haves' when I view their profile and say their cut off for height is 5'9, well I won't contact them, why waste both of our time? I really feel like it's a common courtesy, they took the time to list what they want, I won't waste there time trying to convince them otherwise. I was SO excited to get my first email, that was until I read it. It was from a 5'7, nonreligious man from the Bronx, who could not possibly have graduated high school, never the less graduated college, but lucky for you all, I saved the said email (after emailing it to ALL of my friends, former co-workers and family members) and here it is: 

 

Can you believe I'm STILL on this website? Stay tuned for the 'cyber break up'.