5 Days Without Power Makes One INSANE

Well folks,  I've officially lost it.  I went shopping last night just to soak in some electricity before I went home to my disturbingly dark house.  As much as I shouldn't be shopping (my bedroom hardly has room for me, never the less another item)...I went....and I found boots that fit my abnormally large (the politically correct call them athletic) calves.  Unless you have this problem, you have no idea how hard it is to find leather boots without an old lady stretch pannel up the side...but I did it!  And they were inexpensive, considering they were leather and from Nordstrom (one of my favorite stores in the world, just behind Bloomingdales and just before Banana Republic).

They're not very 'me' I'm much more classic in terms of style, but I kind of love them...I also have 2 weeks or so before 'boot weather' so I can wear them around my house...Which yes, I will actually do.

As promised and keeping a 'picture' theme going today...here are some pictures of my town during the hurricane:

I'm sure you can't tell, but our transformer (source of electricity) is in the back left of the above picture...aka Underwater.

Again, the transformer is next to the Hess station...You can see what we were dealing with. 

My tree took a field trip into my neighbors backyard.



No SFCD Soy Misto for me on the Sunday after the storm :-(

We even did nails by candlelight!  Hurricane Irene herself appologized after seeing this photo (I swear, check my facebook!)

Happy Hump Day!! 

F Hurricanes

Good morning!  Well it wasn't really a 'good' one, but it is in fact morning.  I have been without power for 4 days...that's right FOUR DAYS, 96 HOURS, 5,760 MINUTES and I'm ready to lose it.  My town has said that September 4th is the EARLIEST that power will be back on...THE EARLIEST!!!  Believe it or not, I have never dealt with a hurricane or it's aftermath...Actually, believe it because I live in Northern NJ and NOT on the coast. Needless to say, I have learned rather quickly how much I depend on electricity and how I would make a TERRIBLE Amish woman.

The worst part about having no electricity is having no hot water (I think this problem might actually be remedied in my house, but I haven't tested it out yet, so I'm not holding my breath). I don't even take cold showers while I'm camping, never the less in my own bathroom.  But on the bright side, at least now I know that taking a 6 minute shower is possible.

There are a few other things I have discovered that suck being done in the dark:

• Looking for something.  Anything.  It doesn't matter what you're trying to find, when you have to use a flashlight in one hand it becomes 1,000x's more stressful.
• Putting on make-up.  I never thought I needed 2 hands to apply make-up and who knows, I might not...but putting on  make-up with one hand and holding a flashlight in the other is frustrating to say the least.
• Letting the dog outside.  My backyard is PITCH black and my dog is scared of pretty much everything, so when he goes out, the flashlight and I follow.
• Cooking.  Lighting the stove with a match and cooking via candlelight actually makes me feel like I'm living in the 18th Century and who would want to live in the 18th Century? No one.  Also, I'm an idiot when it comes to cooking chicken, I can never tell when it's done with the lights on, forget when I'm holding a candle to the pan.
• Charging a cell phone.  I have been driving in circles for days trying to charge my phone.  There are only SO many places you can drive to and only SO long that you can drive without getting annoyed at yourself! And whenever you stop your circular journey, your phone only has one battery bar, how does that happen?!
• And the obvious: No TV or computer.  I keep the TV on ALL the time, 1/2 of the time I don't even watch it, but I like having the news on in the background while I read, clean, etc. Furthermore, I HATE working from my cell phone, it really stresses me out.  I like a computer screen where I can see everything in front of me.

I'll post pictures of some of my towns damage shortly. But in the mean time, while you're watching the Patriots/Giants game on Thursday, think of me.

Disclaimer: I understand that this was not nearly as bad as it could've been, I watched TV and learned about Katrina just like the rest of you.  I am extremely thankful that I only had a little bit of a basement flood and no other serious damage. 

The Curse

Original Post:
Okay, the next online guy I went on a date with was one that I wasn't really interested in.  He was the same nationality as my ex, he was also from the same town and played the same sports, so I was less than enthused, but in the spirit of 'getting back on the horse' after 'throwing a wrench' in the last pseudo relationship I sucked it up. We went to a place 1/2 way between our homes and met for drinks.  He was cute and I thought 'okay, I can deal with this'.  Well I was wrong.  I couldn't deal with it...at all.  He kept cursing!  Every other word started with an 'F' or ended with an 'it'.  (Side note: When I was 5, I told my mom that one of my friends kept saying the 'F' word.  She was shocked that another 5 year old would know the 'F word' and asked me how to spell it....I responded F-H-I-T, even at 5 I was a genius.)  Now I’m not claiming to be Mother Theresa, I can curse with the best of them, but I try to be on my best behavior on a first (and even a second) date! 

As if the potty mouth wasn’t bad enough, he kept talking about his ‘Armani Exchange glasses’.  What is it with guys wanting to talk to me about their glasses? I swear he literally mentioned these glasses 6 or 7 times.  It was also interesting because he said he doesn’t wear these beloved glasses anymore because his friends made fun of him.  Which is too bad because I love a guy in glasses; I really think they make anyone look a billion times smarter. And when I was a blonde I felt like my glasses gave me some credibilityJ.

Now here’s where things get a little interesting, at the end of the date, he went in for the kiss (which I assure you wasn’t happening) and I turned my head really quickly so he got some cheek…and then I hustled to my car.  Thinking that this was right up there with the staring contest date, I thought it was over and done and that would be the end of Mr. Potty Mouth.  I was wrong (there seems to be a reoccurring theme here).   He then texted me and ask for a second date!  Now here’s the thing: I have a two date rule.  I think they people can be nervous on a first date (especially a blind date) and it can alter their personality (for better or worse), so I always give people a second chance (if they want it).  But I honestly don’t know that I can sit through another date with this guy, especially if he is the Armani Exchange glasses wearing cursing guy that he was the first time around.  And now I’m stuck, because the date is set for Sunday.

Update:
After finishing the above post, I went back to look at the email I wrote to a friend when she asked me how the date was and this is verbatim what I wrote (I took out a few lines, just to save what little bit of pride I have left, it was a pretty mean email and I sounded like a jackbutt):

To: Cousin
Cc: Best Friend A
From: Me
Date: Mon, Aug 15, 2011 at 11:59 AM
Subject: Date Disaster

“The date was bad.  He was really cute though, and tall and athletic...However, he cursed every other word, literally 'f*ck' and 'sh*t' were vocab staples...  He also mentioned his 'Armani Exchange glasses' about 56 times and the fact that he was color blind, so he needs people to go shopping with him because he doesn't know what burgundy or plum are.  He also doesn't like himself in green… His mother also doesn't know that he drinks because she "thinks he's perfect and he doesn't want to break her heart". I tried dropping subtle hints that it was 'past my bedtime' and that I 'had to wake up early in the morning' and that it 'was a work night', but clearly subtlety isn't his thing, because he proceeded to keep talking until 12:15am!!!  The date started at 8:30pm.  I thought about cutting off an extremity just so I could go home.  It was torture.”

After reading that email, I promptly texted Mr. Potty Mouth and told him that I wasn’t going to make it on Sunday and I just didn’t think we were a good fit. So am I a little harsh, yes, but at least I practice what I preach!

Dating 'Tips'

Though I’m not completely out of online dating stories nightmares, I came across this little gem on topdatingtips.com (hold your judgment, I was actually looking for blog material, not dating advice) and HAD to share it with you and obviously put in my two sense in the mean time.  What fun would having a blog be if I couldn’t give my opinion?!  The website was broken down into ‘Dating Rules’ and ‘Online Dating Rules’ and was directed at women...Given the recent subject matter, I decided to read the online rules to see if I was following proper dating protocol.  My comments are in pink.

Online Dating Rules

·         Always let them come to you, don't chase them via email. Okay, you could sit around and wait for Prince Charming to bring you a virtual glass slipper OR you could be proactive and send them a witty email and woe them in with your charm right off the bat!

·         Block anyone who annoys you instantly. AGREE 100%. If you hate them in the cyber world, I can PROMISE you, that in real life they aren’t any better.

·         Post the best and most vampish photo you can find. Okay, most websites suggest posting more than one picture.  If you choose to post one picture and you go this route, you better MAKE SURE that you can redo that look for the date.  The worst thing in the world is being tricked into thinking someone is attractive when they’re not.

·         Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines. What’s wrong with being clever?  If he doesn’t like my sense of humor, or find me at least a little bit funny, then I don’t want him.

·         Remain aloof and let yourself be chased. You should probably do this only if you want to come off like an unfriendly bi-atch.

·         Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt. Ehhh...I disagree, especially if you’re actually interested in the person...for responding to the first email, I would suggest 1+ days, if you don’t like them, or they don’t meet your ‘like to have’s’ list, then just block them, or send a ‘polite no thanks’.

·         Never provide your real email or phone details. NEGATIVE.  What if you decide you’re going to go out on a date with someone, and you need directions, or to find them at the location?  You need to exchange phone numbers.  Furthermore, I hate going on the stupid website, I’d rather email them through Gmail, or text them (sorry mom).

·         Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn. Well Duh, you should do this in everyday life.

·         Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy, as well as enigmatic.  Stunning=Out of their league, Sexy=Hooker, Enigmatic=Witch....You should probably just go with something that says what you’re about, what you do or what you like.

·         Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best.  I’m pretty sure these websites don’t have timers and I’m pretty sure that more often than not, people have more than one window up at a time....so ignore this, no one will know how long you’re on...If you want to walk away from the computer to watch Bravo...I say do it!

·         Do not assume the person you are talking to is destitute or sad.  It depends on what they’re talking about...if at any point in the conversation they say “I feel unwanted”, “I’m really lonely” or “I don’t have friends”, you are absolutely allowed to assume they are destitute AND sad.

·         Never ever reply to emails on weekends. Wait until a weekday.  Ehh...debatable.  I don’t think you should send emails on a Friday or Saturday night, but I don’t see anything wrong with a Sunday morning/evening email.

·         Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile.   If you’re looking to date or become a prostitute, this might actually come in handy when deciding a 'going rate'.

·         If you don't want to date married men, spell it out in your profile.  Trust me when I tell you that you will look cray cray if you put in your profile “I do NOT want to date a married man” or “married men need not apply”

·         A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored. Okay, I agree with this, unless when they do contact you, they apologize and have a reason for taking so long to respond (sick, vacation, family issues are all acceptable excuses).

·         Make sure your humor levels come across in text. If you’re funny, your humor levels should (and will) come across in every level of contact.

·         Do not chat to hundreds of men at once. The delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off. Okay, I agree with not ‘chatting’ 100 guys at once, but only because you will get them all confused, forget who has a dog, who has 16 siblings and who works where.

·         Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out. Well this goes along with ‘Post the best and most vampish photo you can find’...Don’t say you’re ‘athletic and toned’ if you haven’t seen the gym since January (please note that while I am athletic, I opted for the ‘about average’ option) and if you’re a size 0, don’t check the curvy box...Just love what you are and other’s will love it too!  (Wow, that was pretty deep)

·         Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results. Take note: This should also be your goal in everyday life...No one wants to be around someone who’s anxious and immature...hence the reason some of my ex’s are ex’s.

Happy Hump Day!

Good morning!  It's only 10:30am and it's already been an eventful day!  In light of the fabulous post I'm preparing for tomorrow, today's will be short and sweet....Happy Hump Day! 

This week is almost 1/2 over....WHOOO HOOOOO!

How NOT To End A Cyber 'Relationship'

So I re-read my previous post and I kind of felt bad for outing these guys...However, I don't use names and I doubt they will ever start reading my blog and if they do....they cant sue me for defamation, so I stopped feeling bad and am now outing another one.

This particular guy lives the town over from me and approached me via the website that rhymes with 'catch' his email said: "Hey! How are you? I'm pretty new at this online thing and I never know quite what to say. But your profile caught my attention, we seem to have some things in common, and your pretty cute, that never hurts."

After a ton of emails back and forth we decided to go bowling (always a fun first date, even though I am a TERRIBLE bowler). It was a little awkward, as most blind dates are (see the previous post) but it was fine after a while.  He actually ended up reminding me of a really good friend that I grew up with, so I was a little bit more comfortable.  He had a crazy job and worked non-conventional hours, so talking to him after the date was via GChat/text.  We were talking like normal (everyday) and talking about seeing each other again and then one day we didn't talk (I actually didn't even realize that we didn't talk until I got the first text of the conversation below).

     HIM: "Hey there, sorry I've been MIA, its been a crazy week with work and I decided to take over a lease to help my friend in CITY NAME...I like talking with you and had a great time hanging out so it kinda stinks that we gotta throw a wrench in this thing"

First of all, we didn't talk for ONE day, I didn't think that was MIA, but whatever, that's neither here nor there. Second of all, my best friend lives in CITY NAME and I'm there at least 3 weekends a month..It's a 25 minute drive from my house, I don't need a passport to get there!   Prior to this, we've actually discussed my best friend living there and how often I'm in the area...not to mention that I work 2 miles from CITY NAME.  It's also a mile big...literally ONE mile, I don't know why he thinks that we're not going to run into each other.

After a little contemplation (I decided the above paragraph would've been a little much) I responded with the nonchalant: "No worries, hope you have a good move!" to which he responded: "Thx" (that's right, he didn't even have time for the a, k, s)

Okay, the moral of the story, is that it's MUCH easier if people are honest!!  If he would've said "You know, this isn't going to work, you're too ________(adjective)" it would've made sense. OR if he said "You know, I decided that work was too crazy and I really don't have time to date" even if it wasn't entirely true, it would have made sense.  Hell, he could've said "You know, I met someone else and we're having a really good time and she lives in CITY NAME so we'll be really close" and that would've made sense too!!  But to create a fake problem and then say "we're" throwing a wrench in "this" that's just not fair.  I'm not throwing anything anywhere and you clearly have a geography issue...and since geography was my minor in college and I know how far away places are from one another, you're going to be the one that looks pretty damn silly when we end up at the same bar in CITY NAME.

Moral of the story: Guys, be HONEST, even if you're trying to 'let someone down easy' or don't think the truth is 'nice' or a 'good enough excuse'...we're all grown-ups, I promise you girls are tougher than you think and we're not all insane and going to stalk your life...especially after a date or two. And when you tell the truth, it makes you look like less of an idiot, especially when we show the text message(s) to our friends and when you post pictures of you and your girlfriend on facebook.

I'm famous (kind of)

So last night, Bravo introduced an Italian-American family from South Jersey who call themselves 'The Marino's' in a new series (I hope) entitled "Blood is Thicker Than Water".  I was watching the show and within 5 minutes, literally 300 seconds, I was in love.  I dated an Italian-American for years and his family dynamic was intense, but SO MUCH fun...I still visit his family on occasion (it's a good thing we're still friends).  So I decided I was going to take to Twitter and thank Bravo for yet another obsession:

Well about 15 seconds after the first tweet, MY TWEET WAS ON BRAVO TV...as part of the talking bubble! I was flipping out, but realized it was 11:35 pm and no one was awake and I had no one to share my joy with, so I obviously took to Twitter and freaked out....ONLY TO BE THANKED BY VINNY MARINO!  What an eventful night.

The "Break-Up"

I would love to write a post about how fantastic my weekend was (it was family fun-filled) but I promised some 'cyber break-up stories' and I feel the need to deliver.

I've learned through my online dating experience (I clearly think that 3 months is a lifetime) that there are differences between meeting someone online and out at say a bar. At a bar, there is nothing invested into this person (unless you're a guy and you invested $6 for a drink), you can talk to this person for 10  minutes and decide whether or not you want to exchange numbers, hang out again (sober) or allow them to be your hook-up of the night (not that I've ever done that). But when you're talking to people for weeks on end via email, text, etc and you seem to have a lot in common you obviously want to meet them and see if you have that much to talk about in person, well guess what? 9 times out of 10, you don't. It took a while, but I no longer go into these dates with expectations...you'll see why below.

My first 'in person date' was a 3 hour long staring contest. On paper he was perfect! He fit all of my 'criteria', worked for a sports network, was tall enough, Catholic and educated, however he was a Met fan, but I was willing to let that slide. We met at a bar on the lower west side, it was kind of dark and kind of loud, but we tried talking through the live music (do your research people, if you want to talk to someone, live music probably isn't the way to go on a first date). Well he ended up being pretty boring and nerdy and I'm sure he thought I was a stuck-up ditz and it was three hours of staring at this guy who was talking about stuff that I really didn't know anything about. On that date I mastered the 'smile and nod' technique and never contacted him again (in his defense the feeling was mutual, he didn't contact me again either).

Thinking things could only go upward from here and not being one to be easily deterred, I decided to go on a date with online man number two. First of all, he was late and left me sitting alone in a bar (I actually called my cousin and asked how long I had to sit there before it was acceptable to leave) and when he walked into the bar, tapped another girl on the shoulder and asked her if she was me. These all should've been signs. Well A LOT of Chardonnay (and conversation) later we were running to Port Authority in the pouring rain so I could make the last bus out of the city...we failed, miserably. And the date ended up lasting 6 hours. Then there was a second date and a third and so on and so forth. Each day that went on, I had less and less to talk to him about and I found myself not caring about what he said and realized this was going nowhere fast. We had a date planned for him to meet my best friend and favorite co-worker for happy hour after work, I thought because the night before was so awkward and silent, maybe he wouldn't show, but of course he did and didn't say a word or get off of his phone the ENTIRE time (people that's RUDE). When he did talk, he was complaining about something stupid. I have no idea what happened to the fun guy that I was with on our first date (looking back on this now, it was probably the lack of alcohol in my system at the 'happy hour meet the friends' gathering). After commenting about how hot our waitress was at happy hour, he suggested we go to McFadden's where his 'hot friend was a bartender'.  This was enough for me to end whatever the heck we were doing, but oh no, he beat me to it!!  I asked him what was gonig on on Friday (via text, this IS the cyber world after all) and he said "Nothing, I was tired" the rest of the conversation went something like this:

     HIM: "This isn't going to work...I really hope we can still be friends"
     ME: "Wow, via text"
     HIM: "Well I figured we were already texting"
     ME: "I see"
     HIM: "I was serious about still being friends, you're awesome and really fun to hang out with"
     ME: "Yeah, that always works out well"

The next day he proceeded to tell me he was going glasses shopping, and took pictures of all the glasses and sent them to me while I was at work...It took about .5 seconds for me to realize that I didn't have to look at him in the glasses and didn't really care which ones he picked.  After a brief text explaining that to him...We stopped 'being friends'.

Cyber Relationships

When I first heard about online dating I thought it screamed desperation. I never ever wanted to do it and NEVER wanted to have to tell someone that I met my significant other 'online'. However, one drunk New Year's Eve, my friends and I decided I should sign up for the 'free trial' on a dating website that rhymes with d-carmany and we filled out all of the questions (there were literally a thousand) after a few drinks. Well after a date with an alien and another with a guy with a snaggle tooth I decided this wasn't for me after all. This thought was reaffirmed when a co-worker agreed to meet someone from a free online dating site (think the little Valentine's Day cherub) for drinks and the morning of the date he sent her a naked picture, from a hotel room.

So when my boss asked me to create a profile for him on a website that rhymes with 'catch' I rolled my eyes and didn't think anything of it (but obviously complied). After going through HUNDREDS (I'm not kidding) of women, we found one that he decided was 'good enough'. I emailed her...well he wrote the email as if he were his own assistant and I sent it. They actually went on a date, but that's a whole 'nother post. So while I took all of my boss's 'requirements' and put them into the search engine, I realized that online dating is a lot like shopping. The pictures are there so you can look before you buy and the 'my life' section is kind of like consumer reports, so you can see if you're willing to invest in the merchandise. After 10 seconds of contemplation and promise of a 3 day free trial, I signed myself up for this dating shop-a-palooza.

This particular website asks for your 'like to haves' (and for those of you who know me, know there are quite a few) so I took this as my opportunity to find my 6'5 black preppy jew who owns sperrys, wears madras and can play both basketball and tennis...surprise, surprise, he didn't exist. So I put in the more realistic 'like to haves' and decided on 6'1-8'11 (that was the tallest height offered); within 40 miles of my hometown in NJ (which includes Manhattan); Christian or Jewish; Conservative, Middle of the Road, or Liberal (Yes, JG, you read that right, I left out 'ultra conservative'); Yes to dogs; Educated with at least a college degree. Okay, that sounds like an okay list to me ( Notice I didn't mention that I don't really like the artist types and if I know more about March Madness and football then they do, it's not going to work). I personally look at someone's 'like to haves' when I view their profile and say their cut off for height is 5'9, well I won't contact them, why waste both of our time? I really feel like it's a common courtesy, they took the time to list what they want, I won't waste there time trying to convince them otherwise. I was SO excited to get my first email, that was until I read it. It was from a 5'7, nonreligious man from the Bronx, who could not possibly have graduated high school, never the less graduated college, but lucky for you all, I saved the said email (after emailing it to ALL of my friends, former co-workers and family members) and here it is: 

 

Can you believe I'm STILL on this website? Stay tuned for the 'cyber break up'.

GIA is in love!

Okay, so I'm obsessed with some former bachelor's and bachelorette's from ABC. Gia is one of them. She is a New Yorker, a sweetheart and a swimsuit model...What's not to love (Jake, your an idiot). I was reading my daily dose of celeb gossip this morning (thank you usmagazine.com) when I found out SHE'S IN LOVE with Ryan Anderson from the Orlando Magic! Now she's 4 years older than him and obviously ready to settle down (an appearance on The Bachelor and 2 attempts at The Bachelor Pad say it all) and he's 23...but I hope this works...plus he HAS to be taller than her and they're adorable together!

Hello...Again.

Good morning! Happy Thursday! I know it's been FOREVER since I posted last on this blog, but I feel like with all of the stuff going on in my life I need an additional outlet for my stress...AND because I just went to a psychic (Monday) I want to list some of the stuff she told me, so WHEN it comes true (that's right, I'm a believer) I can post that here as well.

First of all, the psychic knew my mothers name AS SOON as I sat down...she also knew I had one deceased family member (grandma) and what her best friend's name was (Mary). I know, I know, that could all be thrown up to luck...but really people? My mom's name is 'Kitty'...no one ever guesses 'Kitty'. Furthermore she knew someone in my life moved to FL (brother) and was 'surrounded by young people'. She knew I had a family member in jail (drama) and that I was surrounded by addiction (not my issue, but it does in fact surround me) She knew a lot of other random stuff (like my insane amount of stomach problems and someone in my life splitting up) but this is the 'good' stuff:

• I haven't met my soul mate yet, but he's 'around the corner'




• Marriage and babies are a lot closer than I think they are (she actually dealt the cards a number of times and the sequence of marriage and babies came up 3 or 4 times)




• I'm taking the vacation of my life within the next 10 years (I know that's a dumb one, but I was excited because she said she could tell I was in love while I was there)




• I'm signing a legal document in the near future (I immediately asked if I was bailing someone out of jail, she said no, and she couldn't tell if it was a car lease or an apartment lease, but I was smiling)




• I will own two properties




• A married man will hit on me (she also told me that if I took the bait,she would find me and kick my butt)




• She saw me 'living a financially comfortable life' (she couldn't tell if I worked my butt off, or got lucky...I'm thinking I probably worked my butt off)




• Someone (not a family member) named Rose will pass away, I'll hear about it through a friend




• A female friend will confide in me about a drug (coke) problem...I will be shocked, but help her




• A friend will confide in me about past sexual abuse (they have had therapy and are fine now, but they wanted me to know)




• A MALE FRIEND WILL COME OUT OF THE CLOSET! That one excites me the most because I think I know who it is and I really really really want him to come out, because I think it would be SO fun to set him up with people and I love him to pieces.




• I need to 'get out more'



• Someone will be getting engaged in April (I think I know who this is too, but I'm not writing it here to spoil it!)
  

Okay, So I realize to an outsider reading this list, it could look like these 'predictions' could apply to anyone. But she was awesome (and a little expensive)...but it was nice to have affirmation that I wont be a 45 year old crazy cat lady (which is also good because of my DEADLY allergy to cats).

Next post will be some stories of my online dating adventures...stay tuned.