The "Break-Up"

I would love to write a post about how fantastic my weekend was (it was family fun-filled) but I promised some 'cyber break-up stories' and I feel the need to deliver.

I've learned through my online dating experience (I clearly think that 3 months is a lifetime) that there are differences between meeting someone online and out at say a bar. At a bar, there is nothing invested into this person (unless you're a guy and you invested $6 for a drink), you can talk to this person for 10  minutes and decide whether or not you want to exchange numbers, hang out again (sober) or allow them to be your hook-up of the night (not that I've ever done that). But when you're talking to people for weeks on end via email, text, etc and you seem to have a lot in common you obviously want to meet them and see if you have that much to talk about in person, well guess what? 9 times out of 10, you don't. It took a while, but I no longer go into these dates with expectations...you'll see why below.

My first 'in person date' was a 3 hour long staring contest. On paper he was perfect! He fit all of my 'criteria', worked for a sports network, was tall enough, Catholic and educated, however he was a Met fan, but I was willing to let that slide. We met at a bar on the lower west side, it was kind of dark and kind of loud, but we tried talking through the live music (do your research people, if you want to talk to someone, live music probably isn't the way to go on a first date). Well he ended up being pretty boring and nerdy and I'm sure he thought I was a stuck-up ditz and it was three hours of staring at this guy who was talking about stuff that I really didn't know anything about. On that date I mastered the 'smile and nod' technique and never contacted him again (in his defense the feeling was mutual, he didn't contact me again either).

Thinking things could only go upward from here and not being one to be easily deterred, I decided to go on a date with online man number two. First of all, he was late and left me sitting alone in a bar (I actually called my cousin and asked how long I had to sit there before it was acceptable to leave) and when he walked into the bar, tapped another girl on the shoulder and asked her if she was me. These all should've been signs. Well A LOT of Chardonnay (and conversation) later we were running to Port Authority in the pouring rain so I could make the last bus out of the city...we failed, miserably. And the date ended up lasting 6 hours. Then there was a second date and a third and so on and so forth. Each day that went on, I had less and less to talk to him about and I found myself not caring about what he said and realized this was going nowhere fast. We had a date planned for him to meet my best friend and favorite co-worker for happy hour after work, I thought because the night before was so awkward and silent, maybe he wouldn't show, but of course he did and didn't say a word or get off of his phone the ENTIRE time (people that's RUDE). When he did talk, he was complaining about something stupid. I have no idea what happened to the fun guy that I was with on our first date (looking back on this now, it was probably the lack of alcohol in my system at the 'happy hour meet the friends' gathering). After commenting about how hot our waitress was at happy hour, he suggested we go to McFadden's where his 'hot friend was a bartender'.  This was enough for me to end whatever the heck we were doing, but oh no, he beat me to it!!  I asked him what was gonig on on Friday (via text, this IS the cyber world after all) and he said "Nothing, I was tired" the rest of the conversation went something like this:

     HIM: "This isn't going to work...I really hope we can still be friends"
     ME: "Wow, via text"
     HIM: "Well I figured we were already texting"
     ME: "I see"
     HIM: "I was serious about still being friends, you're awesome and really fun to hang out with"
     ME: "Yeah, that always works out well"

The next day he proceeded to tell me he was going glasses shopping, and took pictures of all the glasses and sent them to me while I was at work...It took about .5 seconds for me to realize that I didn't have to look at him in the glasses and didn't really care which ones he picked.  After a brief text explaining that to him...We stopped 'being friends'.

Cyber Relationships

When I first heard about online dating I thought it screamed desperation. I never ever wanted to do it and NEVER wanted to have to tell someone that I met my significant other 'online'. However, one drunk New Year's Eve, my friends and I decided I should sign up for the 'free trial' on a dating website that rhymes with d-carmany and we filled out all of the questions (there were literally a thousand) after a few drinks. Well after a date with an alien and another with a guy with a snaggle tooth I decided this wasn't for me after all. This thought was reaffirmed when a co-worker agreed to meet someone from a free online dating site (think the little Valentine's Day cherub) for drinks and the morning of the date he sent her a naked picture, from a hotel room.

So when my boss asked me to create a profile for him on a website that rhymes with 'catch' I rolled my eyes and didn't think anything of it (but obviously complied). After going through HUNDREDS (I'm not kidding) of women, we found one that he decided was 'good enough'. I emailed her...well he wrote the email as if he were his own assistant and I sent it. They actually went on a date, but that's a whole 'nother post. So while I took all of my boss's 'requirements' and put them into the search engine, I realized that online dating is a lot like shopping. The pictures are there so you can look before you buy and the 'my life' section is kind of like consumer reports, so you can see if you're willing to invest in the merchandise. After 10 seconds of contemplation and promise of a 3 day free trial, I signed myself up for this dating shop-a-palooza.

This particular website asks for your 'like to haves' (and for those of you who know me, know there are quite a few) so I took this as my opportunity to find my 6'5 black preppy jew who owns sperrys, wears madras and can play both basketball and tennis...surprise, surprise, he didn't exist. So I put in the more realistic 'like to haves' and decided on 6'1-8'11 (that was the tallest height offered); within 40 miles of my hometown in NJ (which includes Manhattan); Christian or Jewish; Conservative, Middle of the Road, or Liberal (Yes, JG, you read that right, I left out 'ultra conservative'); Yes to dogs; Educated with at least a college degree. Okay, that sounds like an okay list to me ( Notice I didn't mention that I don't really like the artist types and if I know more about March Madness and football then they do, it's not going to work). I personally look at someone's 'like to haves' when I view their profile and say their cut off for height is 5'9, well I won't contact them, why waste both of our time? I really feel like it's a common courtesy, they took the time to list what they want, I won't waste there time trying to convince them otherwise. I was SO excited to get my first email, that was until I read it. It was from a 5'7, nonreligious man from the Bronx, who could not possibly have graduated high school, never the less graduated college, but lucky for you all, I saved the said email (after emailing it to ALL of my friends, former co-workers and family members) and here it is: 

 

Can you believe I'm STILL on this website? Stay tuned for the 'cyber break up'.

GIA is in love!

Okay, so I'm obsessed with some former bachelor's and bachelorette's from ABC. Gia is one of them. She is a New Yorker, a sweetheart and a swimsuit model...What's not to love (Jake, your an idiot). I was reading my daily dose of celeb gossip this morning (thank you usmagazine.com) when I found out SHE'S IN LOVE with Ryan Anderson from the Orlando Magic! Now she's 4 years older than him and obviously ready to settle down (an appearance on The Bachelor and 2 attempts at The Bachelor Pad say it all) and he's 23...but I hope this works...plus he HAS to be taller than her and they're adorable together!

Hello...Again.

Good morning! Happy Thursday! I know it's been FOREVER since I posted last on this blog, but I feel like with all of the stuff going on in my life I need an additional outlet for my stress...AND because I just went to a psychic (Monday) I want to list some of the stuff she told me, so WHEN it comes true (that's right, I'm a believer) I can post that here as well.

First of all, the psychic knew my mothers name AS SOON as I sat down...she also knew I had one deceased family member (grandma) and what her best friend's name was (Mary). I know, I know, that could all be thrown up to luck...but really people? My mom's name is 'Kitty'...no one ever guesses 'Kitty'. Furthermore she knew someone in my life moved to FL (brother) and was 'surrounded by young people'. She knew I had a family member in jail (drama) and that I was surrounded by addiction (not my issue, but it does in fact surround me) She knew a lot of other random stuff (like my insane amount of stomach problems and someone in my life splitting up) but this is the 'good' stuff:

• I haven't met my soul mate yet, but he's 'around the corner'




• Marriage and babies are a lot closer than I think they are (she actually dealt the cards a number of times and the sequence of marriage and babies came up 3 or 4 times)




• I'm taking the vacation of my life within the next 10 years (I know that's a dumb one, but I was excited because she said she could tell I was in love while I was there)




• I'm signing a legal document in the near future (I immediately asked if I was bailing someone out of jail, she said no, and she couldn't tell if it was a car lease or an apartment lease, but I was smiling)




• I will own two properties




• A married man will hit on me (she also told me that if I took the bait,she would find me and kick my butt)




• She saw me 'living a financially comfortable life' (she couldn't tell if I worked my butt off, or got lucky...I'm thinking I probably worked my butt off)




• Someone (not a family member) named Rose will pass away, I'll hear about it through a friend




• A female friend will confide in me about a drug (coke) problem...I will be shocked, but help her




• A friend will confide in me about past sexual abuse (they have had therapy and are fine now, but they wanted me to know)




• A MALE FRIEND WILL COME OUT OF THE CLOSET! That one excites me the most because I think I know who it is and I really really really want him to come out, because I think it would be SO fun to set him up with people and I love him to pieces.




• I need to 'get out more'



• Someone will be getting engaged in April (I think I know who this is too, but I'm not writing it here to spoil it!)
  

Okay, So I realize to an outsider reading this list, it could look like these 'predictions' could apply to anyone. But she was awesome (and a little expensive)...but it was nice to have affirmation that I wont be a 45 year old crazy cat lady (which is also good because of my DEADLY allergy to cats).

Next post will be some stories of my online dating adventures...stay tuned.

Better late....

So needless to say, I wasn't fired (if I was, this post would've been written a lot sooner, as I'd be a lady of leisure yet again) but the story is hysterical anyway. Boss Man wanted to take his children (ages 10 and 12) on a 10-day family vacation for Spring Break...he's divorced, so it sounded like a great opportunity for him to sped some quality time with the kiddies. Key West, FL was his destination of choice, I have never been there (nor have I been anywhere this man travels, but that's a story for a different day)...so planning this trip was difficult to say the least. I found a glorious hotel, Ocean Key Resort and put them in an "ocean view suite"...for $1,000/night, there better be an ocean view...These are actual resort pictures. Well the 10 day vacation was cut short when drunk spring breaker's along with prostitutes and other things were interfering with the 'family vibe'. Boss Man promptly told me he hated it and couldn't stay there any longer than he had to...he needed me to rent 'a cool convertible' (not a Seabring and DEFINITELY not white) for the next day. Also mind you, they had nowhere to stay in Naples and I was instructed to pick the hotel that had the 'coolest pool' and that had a king bed room joining a room with two queen beds. Now people, explain to me when you were EVER in a joining hotel room that had to different types of rooms connected to each other!!! I settled on the only hotel I could find in Naples, that was available on a days notice on a holiday weekend (that's right, it was Easter) and thankfully had a waterslide and by some random twist of fate a king room joining a queen room (thank you Naples Grande Beach Resort for saving my job). Before he could escape the horrific place of Key West, he HAD to go on two trips that I set up for the family, because I'm fantastic like that. The first was a seaplane snorkeling adventure which minus the snorkeling sounded like the coolest thing in the world...you literally hover on top of water and fly out to a bay! This trip almost went off without a hitch, it would've been perfect if the stupid lady didn't tell me the plane left at 7am, when in fact it left at 8am. The real fun began on the fly fishing excursion. I have never been fly fishing and I have ZERO desire to ever go and I have no idea what it entails...but I found a company that advertised itself as the 'Best in Key West' and they took payment over the phone, so it seemed good to me. Well it's a four hour trip and they tell you all you need is lunch. They got out on the boat, had no equipment and had to go back to shore to pick it up...this wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't go 'aground' when they got back out to the sand bar. For those of you who are as clueless as I was, 'aground' basically means stuck on a sand bar, unable to 'get free' and waiting for a tug boat to pull you out. I received a text that said "This is a disaster. Forgot equipment, had to go back. Then went aground. Will be stuck out here for several hours. Stop payment." There were some choice words in there as well, but that was the gist of the message. After calling Mastercard and attempting to convince them that I was Boss Man's wife they informed me that you can't dispute a charge until it's actually posted to the account, but explaining this to Gilligan on his new found island was out of the question...he just wanted it stopped NOW. The next text read "Too much sun, forget the convertible, get large car, not suv, not mid sized, not white"...So I called my new friend Chris who hooked me up with the non-white non -seabring, silver camaro to inform him that I needed his help one more time. I explained to him that at this point my job was on the line and my boss would probably kill him if there wasn't a 'large car' waiting for him at the airport. Chris came through yet again with a Cadillac CTS...thank god for luxury vehicles. Boss Man finally got back to land and called me on his way to the airport and said "There's a large car waiting for me, right?" I said "Of course" and promptly called Chris to alert him that Boss Man was on his way and to brace for impact. As soon as Boss Man was in the car and en route to Naples I sent an email that read: "I'm leaving in a little while to spend some of this holiday weekend with my family, do you need anything else?" and I received no response, which either meant a) he was content or b) he didn't want to fire me before Easter...I was convinced it was option b. But Monday came and I had flowers sent to me because it was 'Admin Appreciation Week' (which was very nice, thanks corporate!) which ended up being the week from HELL...but at least I'm still employed. I swear people, you can't make this stuff up.

Spring is here!

It's finally spring in NYC...well it's 80 freaking degrees so I guess it's more like Summer at the current moment...but never the less, I'll take it. The Yankee game last week was fun! Two friends from CT were there also and seeing them is always a good time. My cousin and I are below (we decided we look pretty good blurry)...I really do love her....even if she wants me to wear yellow in her wedding.

But OMG do I have more to write about.

AD had her birthday party at CV Lounge last Saturday and it was a sh*tshow to say the least...but fun none the less...It was the first 'lounge' I have ever been to and I don't really know how I feel about it...haha. I hate dancing (there was none, though 2 guys tried to convince me otherwise) but hole in the wall pubs are more my thing...but it was certainly fun to schnaz it up a little bit and be out with good friends...even in the DOWN POOR that decided to show up for some champagne as well. I'm going to have to write my next post in story form, because I don't want to deter people from reading it...I thought I was going to be fired yesterday morning...literally fired....so long job....so long paycheck...so long life...Story to come.

Fab Friday

Well...I found the post I deleted. You're welcome.

I am SO happy the weekend is finally here...well I still have 2.5 hours, but who's counting? I have to share what I woke up to this morning. An email that read like this:
To: MK
From: Boss Man
6:50am, EST

En route to Newark [Airport] and just learned that [girlfriend's] son is sick. Trying to get coverage from 11-5 and if we don't [girlfriend] needs to turn back. If we can't figure it out, I need you to jump in a car and watch him at her house then take a car back. Stay tuned, but let me know if this is impossible for any reason.

Okay, first of all, they were going to Cabo for his partners surprise party, did [girlfriend] really need to go on this trip? I'll let you decide. Second of all, I know I'm supposed to do whatever is asked of me, but risk my health for the sake of your mini tryst? I'm not sure that's in my job description. AND I work for you, not [girlfriend]. This is my life, welcome.
But I was at the Yankee game last night! And they won in extra innings! And they took the top spot in the AL East! GOOOOOOO Yankees! It's my friends birthday party in NYC tomorrow night...I'm sure there will be stories from that outing...Cant wait to fill you in on Monday!