Being in a long distance relationship is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s about a thousand times harder than I ever thought it would be, and it is emotionally draining to the point of physical exhaustion. I spontaneously burst into tears, to the point where I took 3 quizzes all entitled along the lines of “Am I depressed?” (for the record, no I’m not, WebMD, DepressedTest and Health.com told me so)…apparently I’m just sad.
What makes this even harder is that I find myself getting angry with golfer and none of this is really his fault. He is in Florida working, it’s his job and I get that…but it’s sunny and beautiful and he’s starting a new chapter in his life, one that is going to basically skyrocket his career…he’ll be able to work/play anywhere he wants after he puts in his two years in Florida. So why am I mad at him? I wish I had the answer. I feel like everything I come up with, points to me.
I don’t call him often, because A. I don’t like talking on the phone and B. He doesn’t really have a schedule, and I’m trying so hard not to be the girlfriend who calls/texts all the time when he’s out on the golf course or hanging out with his roommates. So I just don’t call. Then I think about the fact that I’m not calling and think that he’s going to think I don’t care by not reaching out and I make myself so conflicted that I cry. Yes, I know he can call me, but in all the time we’ve been together, I think he’s called me twice, once was to ask me if I wanted to go to a UFC fight and the other was to find out if I was actually having a heart attack on the side of the road after texting him about almost hitting a deer. We’re just not phone people and I don’t know how to fix that.
It doesn’t help that I really don’t know what I want to be doing with my life. I know what I enjoy doing, but I don’t know how to turn all of those things into a career. What I do know, is that I’m not going to be an indentured servant forever and I need to figure a way out. Preferably a way that leads to the Miami area so I can stop being a lunatic who cries whenever she’s not in front of people. (Does it make me any less crazy, acknowledging that I’m crazy?)I can’t even begin to type out the conversations I’ve had with my best friend K about the issue. I would surely be committed.
I guess it’s time for me to do what I do best, and start making a spreadsheet and a plan.
